Shake it Out

I've been going through some personal turmoil.  Stuff related to family craziness.  Always gets me so off kilter.  Sends me off on a train ride, but not the Crazy Train.  This train is much darker.  Causes me to doubt myself to the core.  Question my worth.  I'm too damaged.  Far too messed up for the effort.

Sir is being so supportive.  So kind and reassuring.

I wonder if this is really a narcissistic personality trait?  Somehow I make what someone else does ultimately all about me.


I heard this song yesterday.  Thought some of the words were fitting.  I got my phone out to make a note of the artist and song - only to find out I had already noted it twice before.  Ummmm...maybe I should really take note!

BTW...I hadn't watch the video before.  It's kinda.........kinky.

Florence and the Machine - Shake it Out

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Boarding the Crazy Train

Ozzy isn't the only person who rides that train.  Sometimes I've been known to get on board myself.  In fact, I took a short trip on the Crazy Train last weekend.

Sir has been putting me to bed earlier so that I can get more sleep.  I had just reached a breaking point because I was getting 6 hours of sleep a night.  I was feeling it mentally and physically.  Becoming nearly unable to function.  I asked Sir for an earlier bedtime.  I suppose my ride on the Crazy Train stemmed from hidden guilt for that.

Last weekend Sir was putting me to bed, like he does every night.  This particular day though, I had been busy and we had little time to connect.  It was the weekend and I had friends over as well.  They usually leave pretty late.  Well past my new bed time.  So after they left, I called Sir.  We had a really abbreviated play time and then he put me to bed.  We have a ritual.  He puts me to bed telling me to think about all the ways he has me serve him.

Nothing unusual.  Except Sir, quite innocently, added two little words to something he says every night.  I immediately interpreted what he said as displeasure with me.  And promptly presented my boarding pass to the Crazy Train.

I don't think I slept at all that night.  I tossed and turned.  Sick, really, that I had caused Sir to be upset with me.  However, sometime around 4:00 in the morning, I managed to convince myself that I was being unreasonable.  And I also knew I was going to have to tell Sir about my short ride on the Crazy Train.  He really, really insists on me telling him when I'm struggling or having problems.  I know that shouldn't be a problem, buuuuuuttttt....it's a HUGE deal for me.

When I called Sir the next morning I was so torn.  I didn't want to ruin the day by telling him about my irrational reaction, but I just couldn't continue without telling him.  So before we had a little fun and got on with our days, I told Sir I needed to talk to him.

Ugggghhhh.

I felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't play without telling him.

That's an improvement I suppose.  Before I would have just bottled it inside for days.

I feel silly, really.  Having to confess like that.  Sir is always so reassuring, though.  Telling me how pleased he is that I told him.   He helps me so much to be more open.  To be able to trust.

He's told me before that I'm his dream.  He's mine really.  I feel so incredibly lucky to be his good girl.

SSO

Fun While Shopping

I went shopping Saturday.  It's funny how ordinary items now take on a different meaning.  I'm sure the friend who was shopping with me was wondering why I was taking pictures of such common items.  In my head I thinking about things far different from common uses for these items....


Ordinary rope...

Extra-ordinary use!!!

And this.... The picture doesn't do it justice, but the spatula on the left was a slightly larger than "normal."  The one on the right was humungous!  I almost blurted out something about "getting a spanking with that thing."

I think Sir was a little disappointed I didn't buy the BIG spatula.

Good reason for another shopping trip!

I Know Better

We chatted yesterday.

It was nice to be connected during the day.

It was time for me to leave work and Sir to go play tennis.

Sir sent a short line. "bye for now my good girl."

I felt the sting in my eyes when I read it.

Really?  A brief separation of, at most, 3 hours.  Really?

I thought, "What I weak, silly girl I am."

And then.....

I know better.



SSO

Happy Valentine's Day

Such special words.....


SSO

Nice numbers!

10,000 page views.  What??????? Not bad for someone who posts so infrequently.

69 posts...the nicety of that number goes without saying.  Although, of course, it is now a bygone.  And will be even more so soon.  Sir and I had a wonderful weekend....making up for the dearth of time available to spend together the week before. _

Sweet Release

Hard, hard, hard week.

Things are beyond nutzo at work. 

I was stranded twice by my car this week.  Once was my doing. Left some lights on and completely drained the battery.  The second time I think she (yes, my car is a she -- although I wonder sometimes because she has a stick!) just flat out rebelled against my mistreatment of her.

But mostly, and it's a BIG MOSTLY, is because Sir has been away this week and we've had far less MUCH MUCH MUCH LESS opportunity to be together.  I've known for a while this week was coming.  Last week I was so sad as it approached.  But, I had a lightning bolt thought early this week that helped me.  I thought if Sir has to hear E   V   E   R   Y   D   A  Y this week how sad I was, then I would not be doing a very good job of serving him and making him happy.  So I decided quickly that having a good attitude could be a way that I serve him.

That decision helped my attitude. Immensely. But, it didn't make me miss Sir any less.

This morning, though, we had a little extra time.  And we used every minute of it!  Oh, it was so wonderful to be with him.  Such a sweet release after a week of near abstinence.  Badly needed by both parties.

SSO