Monday, December 17, 2012

On the way there.....

Sometimes I'm right there.  Right on the verge of saying something I've never said to someone in that way.

To my family, yes.
To my friends, yes.

And then my head gets tangled.

What does it mean?
Will it change us?
If so, am I afraid of whatever that change will be?

Does he?
Is it only me?
If so, what's the point of saying it?

Will Sir like it.
Will Sir not like it.

Will I be hurt?
Will it seem silly?

Do I?
Do I even know it's true?
How would I even know it's true?

Will it change me?
Will it?

What if it's not true for Sir?

What if he laughs?
What if he says something that hurts my feelings

What if he says nothing?

What if?

What if it's not true for Sir?
Does that change it for me?
So what if it's not true for Sir?

Why do I think I have to say it?

Seriously, let, why are you so fucked up about this?
Why can't you just say it?

Maybe I just need to say it.
Maybe I just need to stop all the analyzing and just say it.
Maybe none of the other stuff matters.
Maybe for my own sake, I need to just say it.
Maybe it's another wall coming down.
Maybe I just need to do it.


                                               I have to stop myself from saying it.

That makes me feel.....


What if it messes us up?

Dammit...why do I tear up when I think about it?

What if this post never gets published?
Because it will NEVER be published before I say it...

I skirt around it all the time.
...being your's, Sir.
...being with you, Sir. putting me to bed, Sir.
...pleasing you, Sir.
...making you happy, Sir.
...what you do to me, Sir.

Everything but.....

Who am I fooling?

Am I deceiving myself?
Not saying it makes it not so?
Keeps me safe?

Who am I fooling?

OMG....does he already know?
OMG...does he?
Already know?

and then we watch a tv show where it's one of the scenarios.
I want to ask, "what do you think about that, Sir."
fear strikes. a line in the dialogue.
you have to break up.
no relationship can work when one does and one doesn't.

 It's just a tv show.

I do.  I do. I do.

I do.

And. Simple as that.  It's said.  It's out

And I'm there.

Love & SSO


  1. If I'm reading about what I think I'm reading about - you do not need to worry. Trust me.


    1. PK, You are reading what you think you are reading about. I've added a salutation to the post to make it a little less ambiguous!

  2. I was exactly where you are, keeping myself from saying what was always on my mind...telling myself exactly what you are agonizing day I just said I was almost out the door...and He chuckled, said I know and replied in kind. hugs abby

    1. It was crazy, needless torture! Silly how we do that, isn't it?

  3. It is so sweet you were finally able to say it my good girl. A very memorable moment that I will cherish.


  4. You need to take chances in life to get what you want. Good on you for doing that!

    Hugs, Julia

    1. Thanks, Julia D. I struggled for months with taking that chance!

  5. OK I may be a bit dense here because Im not quite sure what it is you are talking about, BUT whatever it is, Im so glad that you were able to express it. In such a lovely way too - love the poem. There is absolutely nothing worse than not being able to express yourself fully to someone you is as you say a crazy torture. I am glad that you are free of that now.
    hugs kiwi xx

    1. I told Sir, "I love you." The post documents the months of turmoil I went through getting to the point of being able to tell him.

  6. I won't pussyfoot around, I'll just ask "What are you talking about?" And what the devil is SSO?

    1. Hello, Malcolm. I don't believe we've met.

      The post is about me telling my Sir that I love him. I journaled the turmoil I felt getting to that point.

      SSO is Sir's abbreviation for Serve, Submit and Obey.

      Thank you for dropping by.

  7. It's hard, that first one - for me, it came after his, days after he'd put his out there. I had to process it - I didn't know if I wanted to go that deeply into something again, to give myself that chance of being hurt again.

    SO glad that I did though. :)

    1. I'm glad for you, too. I know exactly what you're talking about. I finally just had to get over my fears and say it. So, so, so glad I did.

  8. Had to read the comments to be sure. Those simple three little words seem to change things once they escape from your lips. I'm glad both of you are happy they've found there way out of your heart.

    1. It has been incredible. Silly for worrying so much about saying it.

  9. Well said. You're a lucky girl.


    1. I am so incredibly lucky, Suzanne. Sometimes I can't believe it.

  10. Love is most beautiful when it is being expressed....whether through words or actions. For us, we were friends first and always said I love you....we became more when I let him know that I couldn't tell him I loved him anymore because I meant it in a different way than he did....little did I know at the time, we were on the same page! Whew!

    So glad you were able to get it out there!!!

    1. It is so nice to be on the same page with the one you love!

  11. So happy for both of you.


  12. So happy for both of you.