Sunday, December 11, 2011

Hitting the Spot

Sometimes that is a harder task than it seems it should be.

My latest sex toy to review from edenfantasys, Jenna's Velvet G g-spot vibrator, was designed to "hit the spot."

Sir started out using the toy on my boobs.  Sir loves playing with my boobs.  He quite often stimulates them using my Hitachi and wanted to see how this toy compared.  I suppose it wasn't a fair match up to begin with --- a smaller battery operated toy matched against Mr. Hitachi.  There really wasn't enough power behind the toy to feel the stimulation.

Sir is a patient man.  He rarely goes straight for the main event.  He loves building up the anticipation.  This being his practice, he went next for another sensitive spot.  Again he often uses Mr. Hitachi here as well.  Same scenario.  Not really enough power to feel much stimulation.


Now Sir is ready to get down to business.  We try the toy for it's intended purpose --- to hit the spot!


I'm not sure if it was a mismatch between the toy and my anatomy or just a design issue, but the toy just didn't work for me.  It was actually a bit painful.  It felt like it was somehow got hooked inside me.  Also, it was a bit loud.  Noise usually isn't a huge distraction for me, but this was distracting.


It was three strikes for some of Sir's favorite activities.  So I guess the toy is out!  But, there are lots of other options for g-spot vibrators, so I'm sure we will be trying one soon.  If you try one, read the reviews.  They are very helpful.


We were in fits of laughter after my description of how the toy felt and it getting three strikes.  But, three strikes does not mean the end of the game.  Especially not in Sir's game plan.  So, he says, "Let's see if we can get you back in the mood."  Ummmmm.... Yes, that's not hard to do.  Especially when I know what it is on Sir's mind.



Sunday, November 27, 2011

That Something Feeling

I've written before about different mindsets I have at times when I tell Sir, "Yes Sir."  Sometimes, though, there is a feeling I get that I can't quite describe.  One of those times happened this morning when I read Sir's response to my morning email.

Sir gives me rituals to keep my focus on him.  To focus on my submission to him.  One of the rituals is a daily kneeling time.  This morning Sir added elements to my kneeling time.  The bulk of what Sir added is restated below:

"I feel that time is mine, a time when you focus on your submission to me. And I love that you do it blindfolded, collared, with your crotch rope and your ankles and knees tied. And I have decided I want you to give me even more during your kneeling time. Tie your breasts in bondage and insert your butt plug to show how you serve me."

My reaction to reading Sir's email puzzles me.  First, I never even questioned rather or not I would comply with the new requirements.  Something just happens to me when Sirs tells me to do something.  I tell Sir it makes a certain part of my anatomy twitch.  A good twitch.  That's the physical reaction.  But, there is an emotional reaction as well.  And I can't quite define it.  At least define it succinctly.  Something about it feels like bowing.  I have a slight hesitation using such a reverential term describing my submission to Sir.  It also feels like a releasing, like a giving of more.  It is such a feeling of pleasure for Sir to take more, to give Sir more, to feel more owned.

And I just say, "Yes Sir." And there is so much said in those two little words.

Yes Sir.  SSO.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Dimensions of Submission

I saw a news program recently about doctors using 5D technology in viewing the body.  The 4th dimension being the heart beating and the lungs breathing.  The 5th dimension is the blood coursing through the veins.

That news clip and something I wrote in a recent post got me thinking about the dimensions of submission.  How many ways are there to view submission?  How do I view it?  How does Sir view it?

I find myself describing my experience with Sir in terms of, what I perceive to be, dimension.  He took me higher...  He made me go farther...  I felt deeper... 

Those seem to describe how I feel emotionally.

And sometimes I seem to describe how I feel physically, or in a space/time perspective.  I am floaty...  I am out of it...  I am somewhere else...

To me, it's an intriguing thought how submission to Sir changes me.  Is it linear?  Am I just progressing along a one-dimensional line?  How many dimensions are there?  Where have I come from?  At point was I in this multi-dimensional experience when I began my submission to Sir.  Where am I at now?  How much more is there to experience?

When I think of it in those terms, I think infinity.  The possibilities of experience seem infinitesimal. 

SSO










Escaping the Bounds

I got spanked last night.  Actually, I get spanked every night, but this was special.  Sir wants me to stay focused on him, so every evening I am to spank after dinner and to spank in the shower.  Fifty spanks to each butt cheek, both times. Because the spanking accompanies other things Sir has me do, the only time I don't spank is when I'm on my period.

That started yesterday. But, yesterday was just emotionally hard so I still just wanted to spank.  I did my shower spanking and let Sir know.  Well, hello.  DOM bells go off at that.  Sir was very happy I could still spank while on my period, so I got another spanking with him.  Sir spanked both butt cheeks 96 times - each.

...And sub bells go off at that.  I felt so free floating and deeper in submission at the same time.  How does that happen?  That you can go higher and deeper at the same moment?

I'm always amazed when I realize I've given Sir more.  More of what is still a bit indefinable.  More of me?  More control?  More access?  More submission?  All of know is that Sir could have asked for anything last night and it would have been his.  I was so free of holding onto anything I called mine.

Thank you, Sir.  SSO





Thursday, November 10, 2011

Love Our Lurkers

Hello there.  This is Love Our Lurkers day!  It should be a national holiday. This LOL day was started by Bonnie at My Bottom Smarts to encourage those who mainly lurk the blogs, but not leave comments, to come out of hiding and participate in the community. 

It's fun really.  I'm committing myself to stop being such a lurker and more of an active participant again.

Lurker, lurker,  come out, come out, wherever you are.

Also, if you are new to the blogosphere, visit Bonnie and let her know you are a newbie.  She can introduce you to lots of people!

Celebrate LOL Day!




Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Other Side of the Wall

I recently posted about a session with Sir in which I let some walls down.  It was a wonderful time.  And the walls have stayed down really. Although we haven't experienced the same intensity as we did that night, I haven't closed off the area that I opened to Sir that day. And Sir periodically kicks the bricks, so to speak, to be sure that wall isn't being rebuilt.

What one can expect when walls come down is a good amount of rubble and some dust being stirred around.  Well, that is what happened when my walls came down.

The night, as I posted before, was intense.  Full of some very raw emotions and definitely some untouched places.  And I still couldn't tell you what triggered the release, but it was unexpected.  Sir navigated the uncharted area very well - for which, I am very thankful.

If I was unprepared for the release, I was even more unprepared for the after effects.  I woke up feeling the most dreadful feeling.    An almost indescribable heaviness.  I suppose it was sub drop. I was concerned about what Sir thought of me, even though the night before he told me how much he enjoyed it.  Cuddled me and put me to bed like he does every night.  It seemed just a little irrational for me to be feeling what I was feeling.  Along with Sir's opinion, I was rifled with just general feelings of horror of, "OMG, what did I do?"  "How could I have called myself whore?" "How could I have let those things happen to me?" "How could I have let myself be treated that way?" "Allowed those things to be said about me?"

Much, much, much out of character for me I immediately told Sir the emotions I was dealing with.  Sir was so good at consoling me and reassuring me that he was pleased and what it meant to him that I let those walls down for him.  He talked me through all my doubts and soothed those fears.

I'm okay totally okay about it now.  My first real experience with, what I suppose was, sub drop was interesting.  And I survived!  However, in the back of my want to be in control of things little head I'm wondering if we can somehow plan the next round of wall tumbling!  I do much better with a plan!


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Pleasure Reading

The title says it all, really.



...well, except maybe, "I miss you, Sir."


Morning Dream

I woke up feeling so horny.  Thinking about being snuggled close to Sir.  Laying next to each, spooning. Sir raised up and whispered in my ear, "I want to take you now."  I rolled over onto my back and spread my legs for him so he could take whatever he wanted...

In my morning email to Sir, I told him the thoughts to which I had awakened.  He replied call me now and I"ll give you what you woke up wanting.

So began a wonderful day...

Saturday, October 15, 2011

From Prim and Proper to Wanton and Whorish

This week an interesting thing happened on the way to the....well the place we were going!

I've had several significant occurrences with Sir this week.  It's kinda been like a roller-coaster ride.  Highs and lows, but a good ride nevertheless.  I'll be blogging about most of them (eventually!), but first I'll share the one that was most....well....shocking to me.

I wouldn't have thought there were boundaries between me and Sir. LOL! Shows how much I know. And how much I have to learn!

I still don't know what triggered the wall surrounding my inner whore to come down, but down it definitely came.  I've written in previous blogs that when we play Sir continuously asks how I am doing, what I am feeling?  And, as I've written before, I will respond either with how I feel about serving Sir, how I feel emotionally or physically.  The replies have been fairly contained to a few responses that are more actually fact based.

Well a switch flipped this week. A really big switch!

We had been playing for awhile.  There was something different about how I was responding, but I don't think I gave much thought to it, or if I could have defined it if I did. But, when Sir asked, "How are you feeling, my good girl," I knew. Immediately. I knew how I had been responding.  I knew how I felt.  I knew what I wanted to be.  I said, "I'm your whore, Sir."  "I feel like your whore, Sir."  And a wall came down.  I wouldn't have thought it possible, but I went from (if this really is even possible) a prim and proper little sub to Sir's wanton and whorish sub. 

It was such an emotional release. Sir continued to use me that night.  We didn't do anything physically we hadn't done before, but there was definitely a different quality to our play.  I felt I belonged to Sir more than ever before.  I think it was an emotional release for both of us.  It made me realize how much I was holding back.  What parts of me I had exposed to Sir.  And what parts I hadn't. What I had given to Sir. And what I hadn't given to Sir.

I also realized as well how patient Sir is with me.  He didn't hesitate to cross the boundary I had just lowered.  To push the wall further down.  But, he had waited for me to dismantle it first.  I'm constantly amazed how patient and understanding Sir is.

I feel so fortunate to have found Sir.  He makes my life so much better.  Can't imagine life without him anymore, really.

I'll post more about our interesting week later...







Monday, October 10, 2011

Music Monday

Uncle Kracker - Follow Me



You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you can't turn around and say good-bye
all you know is when i'm with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

I'm not worried 'bout the ring you wear
Cause as long as no one knows
Then nobody can care
You're feelin' guilty
And I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed
And baby I'm not scared
I'm singing...

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
You're better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go astray and
We'll be alright if you don't ask me to stay

I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why, you can't turn around and say good-bye
all you know is when I'm with you I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singing....

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
I'm singing

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me
I'm singing

Follow me
Everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you want to leave
I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

"UNCLE KRACKER - FOLLOW ME LYRICS." Lyrics. Web. 09 Oct. 2011. <http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/follow-me-lyrics-uncle-kracker/4f100463bf33edf048256a5000268bf4>.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

EdenFantasys Toy Review

Yep. It's that time again. Time to tell of my adventures trying sex toys with Sir. This post is a redemption posts of sorts. The adventure with the last toy was less than spectacular. EdenFantasys sent another anal toy to try. I'll just cut to the chase and say this one had more than satisfactory results.


How I got my "Groove" back.
Sir and I really, really like this toy.  It's called "The Groove." It definitely helped me get my anal groove back!!

With an insertable length of 6", it is definitely the longest anal toy we've played with to date.  It has 5 graduated beads or bulges.  The largest bulge is 4 3/4" in circumference.  The biggest bulge is larger than any other anal toy we've used as well.  Even though the biggest bulge required a little extra pressure to get inserted, I found it to be a very comfortable size.

The length of "The Groove" allows it to easily be used for thrusting - which is how Sir used it.  The bulges also allow it to be used like beads.  And I must say feeling those differing sizes while thrusting felt just wonderful.  The wide base also allows it to stay in like a butt plug.  However, I don't know if it's length (it's really is pretty long), or the depth of the base, would allow it to be inserted for long periods of time or if you could sit while it is inserted.  Hmmmmmm....maybe Sir and I have more testing to do?

Among it's other qualities, "The Groove" is very flexible.  That makes it very comfortable while inserted, despite it's length.  The only drawback to that flexibility is that the first bulge was slightly difficult to get inserted.  But, once the first bulge is inserted, the rest of the probe can be easily inserted by pushing from the base. 

I thoroughly enjoyed playing with this toy with Sir.  I liked especially that it was long enough to be used for thrusting.  That was a new and totally enjoyable experience.  Sir was very pleased at how much I loved playing with this toy.  It gets very favorable reviews from us both.  We'll be gettin' our groove on with "The Groove" quite often, I'm sure.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Mush

Two factors met to create a perfect storm in my bedroom this week. The first factor was the flood of hormones that usually come with the onset of my period.  I'm not sure if it's the solely the hormones, or the psychological effect that I won't be "getting any" for a week, but I'm incredibly horny right before I start my period. REALLY horny.

The second factor in the storm was an element that Sir has started to add more and more to our play.  As I've written before, Sir has taken to making me beg for an orgasm. Sir really really really likes to hear me beg.  I don't know exactly what it is, but begging just puts my juices in overdrive.  I get in a type of heightened craze.  A REALLY heightened craze.

This week we had been playing for just a short while when Sir got serious.  Beg.  Beg for a cum.  I never hesitate.  I begin to beg.  In earnest.  I beg.  Sir makes me beg more.  And more.  I think it's the longest Sir has ever made me beg.  I am on Jupiter.

A REALLY heightened horny craze.

The hormones and the begging are like lighting a fuse to a keg of explosives.  I lasted through one orgasm.  Sir, as is his habit, asks how I feel.

Like mush, Sir.  I feel like mush. My legs were shaky and I could barely move.  I feel like mush.



Saturday, September 10, 2011

Melting Away

You might have thought I would have written a post with this title when experiencing a streak of triple digit heat where I live.  Although at times I felt I was melting from that heat, the melting that I experienced this morning in service to Sir is much more blog worthy.

This morning's melt was not necessarily the result of heat.  Rather, it was a melting into Sir's hands.  Melting into his control. The melting away of tension. Maybe of resistance. Maybe areas of control. I gave myself to Sir's instruction.  Let everything else just fade away.

In the midst of play, Sir always asks me how I feel.  Sometimes I struggle to find the right words.  I have levels of "floatiness."  Those descriptions are more about, for lack of a better description, my physical reactions to our play.  Sometimes I am more aware of my emotional state.  I'm aware of my pleasure in serving Sir.  I enjoy pleasing him.  Serving him.  Making him happy.

This morning as we played it just seemed none of the terms I've used to describe how I feel were adequate -- or exact enough.

As Sir took me this morning I felt myself open more to him.  Both literally and figuratively.  I felt I wanted to be totally available.  My mind and body were totally free of everything except serving Sir.  I felt a release in my body and a relaxing.  Felt it all just melting away -- down my spine and out of my body.  Right into Sir's capable hands.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Sir is a Storyteller

Before I get a spanking for insinuating that Sir tells fibs, I should clarify that Sir really does tell me stories.  Some days Sir's schedule allows us to chat during my lunch break.  Often during those breaks Sir tells me a fantasy scene. As Sir is telling this story, he has instructed me to spread my legs and rub myself over my slacks. (I'm behind my desk and the office door is closed so there is no unintended public exposure.)

Sir tells very good stories.  I definitely get all wrapped up in them.  A few days ago, the story involved a time when Sir had told me I was not allowed to speak.  Now, usually when Sir tells me stories I respond with how I am really reacting to it.  This time, since I wasn't allowed to speak in the story, I didn't speak in real time either.  However, as the story progressed, Sir kept teasing me and revving me up and bringing me to an edge of an orgasm and then would deny it.  Well, naturally I responded how I would if that were to really happen in real life. ALOT of frustration!!!  I was actually sitting at my desk wanting release.  I was also on the verge of pleading, "please let me cum, Sir."  Sir's story was one step ahead of me, however, and he said "even though you know you are going to me punished for speaking, you can't help it, you break your silence and beg for a cum." Whew. Fantasy me and Real me, were both VERY relieved to have the release!!!  Sir knows me so well....

And this particular story, Sir wrapped up with the cutest ending:  "And that is how you got your name, poured out, because the cums just pour out of you.

Monday, September 5, 2011

MMMMCMXCV

That's how many page views I have as of right now.  I'm amazed by that number.  Thank you everyone for visiting.


What is this Feeling? - Revisited

Writing helps me process. When I was standing at the brink of beginning this journey I wrote a post to help me process how I felt about taking that first step in really experiencing this lifestyle.  So, here I am again processing these feelings.  What is this I'm feeling?


What is this feeling when I wake up in the morning and my first thought is how I will email Sir and let him know how much I want to serve, submit to and obey him.

What is this feeling when Sir puts me to bed and I know his is the last voice I will hear for the night?

What is this feeling when Sir calls me good girl or tells me I've pleased him?

What is this feeling when I hear that distinct notification on my phone letting me know Sir has sent me a message?

What is this feeling when Sir is away and I achingly wait for any type of connection with him?

What is this feeling when Sir puts me on my knees and has me serve him?

What is this feeling when I feel a certain soreness in my body and a smiles emerges on my face as I realize it is a mark Sir has left on me?

What is this feeling when Sir has totally spent me, taken all he can from me, but then tenderly cuddles me and puts me to bed?

What are these feelings?

Music Monday

Bush - Come Down



love and hate get it wrong
she cut me right back down to size
sleep the day let it fade
who was there to take your place

no one knows never will
mostly me but mostly you
what do you say do you do
when it all comes down

cause i don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this time to find out what i need yeah

i don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this all this time

there is no blame only shame
when you beg you just complain
the more i come the more i try
all police are paranoid

so am i so's the future
so are you be a creature
what do you say do you do
when it all comes down

cause i don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this time to find out what i need yeah yeah yeah

i don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this all this time

shoot up, shoot up, shoot up you're high
love and hate get it wrong
she cut me right down to size

sleep the day let it fade
who was there to take your place

no one knows never will
mostly me but mostly you
what do you say do ya do
when it all comes down

cause i don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this time to find out what i need yeah yeah yeah

i don't want to come back down from this cloud
it's taken me all this all this time

why did you (9x)
comedown

i don't want to come back down from this cloud
this cloud (8x) 


"BUSH - COMEDOWN LYRICS." Lyrics007. Web. 9 July 2011. <http://www.lyrics007.com/Bush%20Lyrics/Comedown%20Lyrics.html>.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Niagara Falls

I love Niagara Falls.  They are simply beautiful.  However, I'm not referring to the waterfalls of the Niagara River.  No, I'm referring to another voluminous and powerful force of nature.

I just had to choose the image with the fireworks!!   ;-)


The "falls" I refer to are the ones that flow in my bed when Sir takes me to other places of rapturous delight.  And, like the waterfalls of the Niagara River, these falls mark a boundary.  A boundary between being here and being someplace else.

Squirting during an orgasm isn't a new thing to me.  I've always been a bit of a squirter.  Squirtish.  What is new to me is the voluminous amounts and, of course, the number of times I orgasm.  The upward trend started with Sir.  The number and intensity of my orgasms have skyrocketed with Sir.  I have already had to start spreading towels (and plastic under the towels) or else my bed and linens would be thoroughly soaked.  The change in my orgasms has been so pronounced that I started doing some research.  There was just sooooo much liquid.  I thought I was peeing.  I thought that couldn't possibly be an orgasm.

The last two weeks Sir's effect on me has ratcheted up even more.  I've had two orgasms in particular that just shocked me.

One particular night, Sir decided to make me beg him to cum.  I don't have any problem begging Sir, so I immediately begged to cum for Sir.  Sir made me beg more.  There was a pretty extended time of begging and telling Sir how much I wanted/needed to cum for him. Maybe something about the extended time flipped a switch in me because when Sir finally let me cum it was EPIC.  I actually froze at first because I thought something was wrong.  I didn't know what was happening.  It was that different.  That voluminous.  When I realized what was happening, I was immediately "someplace else."  Sir had sent me to orbit.  This EPIC orgasm has happened one other time since the first occurrence with the same mental effect on me.  I am immediately "someplace else."  I seem unable to function afterward.  Maybe I'm just wanting to float on the waves of rapture, but Sir has a time of it getting me to respond!!!

Sir is so good to me.  He knows his good girl is a bit of tree-hugging, nature loving hippie so he has started sending me to Niagara Falls quite often.

BTW, do any of you relate to this?

Monday, August 29, 2011

Music Monday

Incubus - Stellar




You are stellar

Meet me in outer space
We could spend the night
Watch the earth come up
I've grown tired of that place
Won't you come with me?
We could start again

How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew, ho

Meet me in outer space
I will hold you close
If you're afraid of heights
I need you to see this place

It might be the only way
That I can show you how
It feels to be inside of you

How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
It's better than I ever knew, yea
How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
You do

Ohh
You are stellar
You are stellar

How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
Its better than I ever knew, no
How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
How do you do it?
You make me feel like I do
Yea

( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/i/incubus-lyrics/stellar-lyrics.html )

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Lonely Hearts Club

Nothing much to say...except that I miss Sir.  He is traveling this weekend.  And I feel kinda lost without him.  That's all.  Just miss Sir.


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

And a Twofer...

I guess that's a real term.

Today is the four month anniversary of my submission to Sir.  It seems like it has been so much longer.  Seems like I've known Sir forever.  But, it also feels like it was only yesterday.  Time has sped by.

Tonight we will celebrate.  There will whipped cream involved.

And spankings......Always spankings!

Happy 1/3 Year Anniversary, Sir.

Your good girl

A First?

Holy bullseye, Batman.  I have a bruise on my butt.

Yep, it's a first.  I think.  I saw it this morning a little by accident.  I don't normally do an overview of my naked butt.  But, for some reason, this morning I checked out my butt in the mirror.  And there it was.  A bruise.  It's about 2" x 3/4".  Amazing. 

Since I don't normally check out my naked butt, I really don't know if it's a first.  But, it is the first one I've seen!  I couldn't wait to tell Sir.  I thought he would be pleased about it.

Well.....pleased might be an understatement.  Sir was elated.  Sir likes me to wear his marks.  And now he's given me more marks. 

And Sir is insatiable.  I don't know what I expected when I told Sir, but it certainly wasn't the outcome I did get.  Now to my "dinner dessert" I'm to add 50 swats to each butt cheek.   That on top of the almost nightly spankings I already get. 

I'm not normally this slow, but I honestly didn't know Sir was such a spanking enthusiast. My first clue should have been the fact that every play session starts out with a spanking.  Sirs spanks my nipples.  Sir spanks my butt.  And Sir spanks my well the other intimate part of my anatomy.  That really should have been my first clue.

Nope.  Not normally this slow.  I guess I could blame it on the fact that the blood is leaving my brain for other more stimulated parts!!!  But, really not normally this slow.

And the thrill of seeing Sir's marks on my body?  Amazing....

Monday, August 22, 2011

Music Monday

Soul2Soul - Back to Life



 back to life, back to reality
back to life, back to reality
back to life, back to reality
back to the here and now yeah
show me how decide what you want from me
tell me maybe i could be there for you

how ever do you want me how
how ever do you need me
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me how
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me

back to life back to the present time
back from a fantasy
tell me now take the initiative
i’ll leave it in your hands until your ready

how ever do you want me how
how ever do you need me
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me how
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me

live at the top of the block
no more room for trouble and fuss
need a change a positive change
look it’s me writing on the wall

how ever do you want me how
how ever do you need me
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me how
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me

back to life back to the day we have
lets end this foolish game
hear me out don’t let me waste away
make up your mind so i know where i stand

how ever do you want me how
how ever do you need me
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me how
how ever do you want me
how ever do you need me

back to life, back to reality
back to the here and now yeah
show me how decide what you want from me
tell me maybe i could be there for you

"Soul ii Soul - Back to Life Lyrics." SoundTrack Lyrics Source #1. Any Movie, Musical, TV, Cartoon! Web. 09 July 2011. <http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/s/souliisoul21858/backtolife983405.html>.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Edenfantasys Toy Review

Momma always told me, "Honesty is the best policy."

Momma never guessed I would ever have to write a less than flattering review about a sex toy.

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

Seriously though, this has been a really difficult review to write.  I've pondered over it for days.  Weeks really.  So, I've decided to take momma's advice and just be honest.  (BTW, it's also what my contact at edenfantasys advised me to do as well.)

So, to be honest, I was super excited about the toy I had chosen to review.  Sir had expressed his interest in it and I do try to please Sir.  So when the opportunity arose I selected this simply delightful looking anal probe.

Oh yes, people.  Anticipation was high.  Sir and I have played with several anal toys.  So, I was very excited about the prospects to be had this toy. 

Well, I have to say I didn't enjoy the toy.  I thought it was too limber and I found it difficult to get much speed or thrust going with the beaded end.  Ohhhhh, if it were just a little more rigid.  I also found that it was difficult, after lubing, to get a really good grip on it.

We also tried playing with the toy as a dildo.  That was a little better, but I found that the surface was just too smooth and really didn't provide much stimulation for me.  But, that's just me.  Someone else may just want to just fill the ummmmmm appropriate cavity and not want the thrust I was anticipating.

So here's the upside. If I had read the reviews on edenfantasys, I would have known these things were an issue with this toy.  In my opinion, edenfantasys really does have the most helpful and detailed information, specifications and reviews of the sex toys they offer than any other site I have found.

So, lesson learned.  I will start reading the helpful product information provided by edenfantasys and become a much more informed consumer.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

This Stuff is Easy. Right?

Sir has used me alot.  He usually has access to me almost every night of the week.  Recently, though, a few of my nights have been taken up with commitments.  And Sir's evenings have been terribly hectic with work.

It's Sir's schedule that left me trying to think of ways to serve him differently.  To let him know I'm thinking of him and wanting to continue my submission, even when we can't connect as much as we usually do.

True to character, Sir thought of ways for me to show my submission to him.  All by himself.  Imagine that.  A Dom knowing what he wants submission to look like.  Amazing right?  Turns out it was something I didn't need to worry my little head about.

So far, I have found TTWD is pretty easy.  My part is just to serve, submit and obey.  And I'm a good girl.  I can do that pretty well.

Problem is.....  Yep, I've discovered a problem.  Sometimes I feel a tension between doing just that - serve, submit and obey - and wanting to show Sir how willing I am to to do so.

So for some background and a for instance:

As I said earlier, Sir uses me alot.  And we've been fortunate enough to be able to have long sessions. And usually at the end of those sessions (actually long before the end of those sessions), I'm just out of it.  Totally out of it.  I describe it in degrees of floatiness, beyond floatiness and being somewhere else.  And Sir loves having that effect on me.  Loves sending me to those places.  I think more often than not what ends our sessions is me just not being able to continue.

However, with the hectic schedules and the extra commitments our time together has been cut down to an hour or less an evening.  This is what led to the problem/tension I discovered.  With such little time this past week (and here's the problem....) I decided, I didn't want the time with Sir shortened by my inability to continue.  I wanted to stay grounded so Sir could take as much from me as he wanted.  I actually told Sir in the middle of the session I was trying not to get floaty so I could continue to serve him.

It wasn't until the next morning when I was sending my daily email to Sir, that I realized the gravity of what I had done.  OMG!  I had (unintentionally?) decided the direction of our session.  I immediately felt so ill. In my desire to prolong Sir's pleasure, I may have inadvertently robbed him of something that really pleases him -- the pleasure he gets out of sending me to those floaty "other" places.  And worse yet, I may have taken charge.  Uh-oh!

I talked to Sir about this because I was on unfamiliar territory.  I was a little concerned I might have done something that would result in discipline or punishment.  I mean, taking charge or directing would be something that would really NOT make Sir happy.  He said he didn't really mind that I had tried to stay grounded and not get floaty.  Then he said, "If you'll remember right after you told me you were trying to not get floaty, you actually got floaty."

So much for my efforts.  I'm learning.  Yes, TTWD is easy.  My job is to serve, submit and obey.  Sir knows where he wants to go.  I just need to follow.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Permissions

Sir has controlled not only my orgasms, but any touching/playing with myself since I submitted to him.  I can orgasm or touch myself if I ask permission first.  Additionally, if I have to text or email him to ask permission and he doesn't respond within 15 minutes, he has given me permission to go ahead and play with myself or orgasm. 

And the number of times I have asked permission within the (close to) 4 months since I've been with Sir?

Exactly.........ZERO.

I just can't seem to bring myself to ask to do so.  Not because I have problem asking Sir for anything.  That's not the issue at all.  There are a couple of reasons why I've never asked permission.

The first reason I've never asked is because I feel like I would be taking something away from Sir if I asked.  I've given him control of my orgasms -- every sexual aspect of my life really.  I feel if I ask permission because I want it, I am taking that control back.  Even though he set "the rule" (I really don't have rules) in place, I just can't do it.  And I do understand asking permission is his control, I just can't seem to be able to do it because I feel I am taking something away from Sir.

Another reason I can't bring myself to ask permission is because since I've submitted to Sir, I haven't orgasmed or touched myself without his direction or instruction.   That is not to say that I haven't orgasmed without being with Sir.  Because Sir has been super busy with work, he has me play with myself/orgasm after dinner and when I shower to keep me focused on my submission.  So although Sir has not been there when I've orgasmed/played with myself, it was still under his control and at his direction.  It has created an incredible connection between receiving pleasure, my submission and what makes Sir happy/Sir's control.  So I just can't seem to get through the barrier that if I initiate by asking permission one of those elements is missing and it would result in a renegade orgasm. One not under Sir's control.

This may not make total sense.  What I do know is that I get this lost, almost lonely, feeling when I even think about asking permission.  My first thought is, "What if he can't respond in 15 minutes?"  It's at that point when I know I just can't do it without absolutely knowing it would be what Sir wants too.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Fun with Sir

I've been with Sir for 3 months.  We have made such an easy, comfortable connection that it leaves me just amazed sometimes.  I feel so lucky.  I don't think I've said it recently, but I feel so lucky.  We seem to have just so much in common and it's just been easy.  It reminds me of an Eagles' song....peaceful, easy feeling.  But, I digress and that song doesn't really apply.

I enjoy reading older chat sessions with Sir.  Sessions from when we were just getting to know each other.  Some of them are racy. Like the day when I was particularly horny.  I had already attended myself a couple of times that day, but Sir wanted to be part of the solution as well.  So he just took charge....  Nice.  A couple of days later Sir really took charge.  Like total charge of when I could attend myself.  Which hasn't happened without his direction since.

And then there are the moments of maybe being a little too familiar a little too early.  Like the time we were chatting about morality standards and Sir says, "and then you toss in the evangelicals."

[insert cyber silence here]

But, in reality, I'm laughing my head off.  I consider that part of my twisted sense of humor that awkward moments are so funny to me.

And Sir follows with, "Hope you're not evangelical."

I'm actually thoroughly amused at this point, mainly because I am.  Evangelical, that is.  Although, apparently, I don't fit the stereotype.  Big surprise there!  Ha.

And then....in the next breath Sir says, "You're not Republican, are you?"

Gulp. Up to this point, I had't been spanked by Sir.  But, I'm seriously wondering if that is going to change and I'm going to get one.  And a good one at that!

Funny.  I still think it's funny.   Sir has really strong political opinions.  And, actually, I don't.  I describe my political views on my Facebook as passionately apathetic.  And I'm not really.  Apathetic or Republican.

And more fun with Sir...  A few weeks ago, Sir was telling me what a good girl I was.  And that I really am.  A good girl, that is.  Really, I am.  Anyway...there is a bit of silence and I can almost feel the gears turning in Sir's head.  Finally he says, "You know for a good girl, you get an awful lot of spankings!"

Yep, Sir is clever.  Very clever.

So....thank you, Sir.  I may get more spankings than any good girl should, but you have made life fun.  Very fun, Sir.

Friday, July 29, 2011

My Hero

Today would have been my mother's 74th birthday.  I couldn't have asked for a more loving and wonderful woman for a mom.  I couldn't have known a better love. So thankful to have been a part of such an incredible beautiful life. Someone who truly poured out her life...

I love and miss you.  I will think of you every day until I see you again.


Friday, July 15, 2011

And the Champion is....

Sex toys - EdenFantasys adult toys store

And my twisted mind immediately starts hearing Queen's lyrics "we are the champions."  Said lyrics of course going along with Queen's "We Will Rock You." Which is just what the Champ flex vibrator from EdenFantasys will do. Rock you.

The Champ flex is one of many traditional vibrators available from EdenFantasys.  It is quite an impressive "Champ" too.  In my opinion, it belongs in the heavyweight category.  This is no lightweight vibe.  My Champ "weighed in" at 9 3/4" long, with 8 3/4" insertable length, and 6" circumference.  This differed from the stats on the web page, so you can probably expect some fluxations in your Champ's numbers as well.

And the winner is....
The "Champ" is big.  Big for what I'm accustomed to anyway.  So, Sir says we'll just have to have more rounds with the "Champ" so my sparring with it will improve! Sir has to warm me up with some more lightweight sparring to get me ready to go a few rounds with the "Champ."

The "Champ" is bent.  Bent in a way that provides stimulation to your g-spot.  And the stimulation is nice.  There is a wide variety of vibes speeds to the "Champ" as well.  You can really, really feel the vibrations.  It actually provides alot of stimulation from the lowest setting and obviously on the highest setting.  And for all that buzzing it is still pretty quiet in the noise arena.

Sparring partners
The "Champ" is big.  Did I already mention that.  If you like your "Champ" big, I say go for it.  If you would like your champion to be in a different weight bracket the kind people at EdenFantasys offer a wide variety of sex toys.  You will surely find your perfect sparring partner with EdenFantasys.

And this is how the "Champ" measures up to my usual sparring partner  

I like my "Champ," but think it will take a few more rounds of sparring with it before I'm in its league!  Oh well, I see more training in my future!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Let Me Count The Ways

I've noticed that I say Yes Sir alot now.  ALOT!  I've also noticed that Yes Sir is said with many different meanings. 

I've said Yes Sir in the normal sense of an affirmative answer to a question.  "Are you naked?"  "Yes Sir."

I've said Yes Sir in response to a statement that really doesn't need my affirmation to be afforded validity because they are statements of Sir's preference and stand alone as that.  "I like you being naked for me." "Yes Sir."  I'm not really sure why I feel the need to respond to these statements other than to acknowledge that I understand Sir will have what he wants.

I've said Yes Sir to show submission or acknowledgement. "You did not upset me." "Yes Sir."  This "Yes Sir" is accompanied by a lowering the eyes, or a bowing of my head.  This one is pure acceptance of what Sir says.

I've said Yes Sir to questions to show my desire.  "Are you ready to begin?" "Yes Sir." This "Yes Sir" is usually preceded by a moan or a whimper.

I've said Yes Sir to show willingness to serve and give Sir what he wants.  "Cum for me," or "Give me what I want." "Yes Sir."  This one is not quiet.  This one is accompanied by loud moans or strong whimpers. This one is screamed in the moments of passion.

I've said Yes Sir in response to Sir's desires. "I want to lie next to you and cuddle."  "Yes Sir."  This one is normally preceded by a soft moan.  It conveys my mutual desire.

I'm sure there are more. Many, many more. But they each of their own nuances. Their own intonation. 
Their own unique moments of expression.  Their own separate meanings and acknowledgements.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Purple People Eater

Mini vibe with some Mega wow!
Purple people eater is the first thing I thought when I got my mini bullet from EdenFantasys, the on-line retailer of adult sex toys.

When I first chose this vibrator for review, I did so mainly because it was remote controlled, not giving much consideration for its power as a vibrator.  I mean, it's so small how could such a tiny vibe compare to other vibrators?

Turns out I was in for a few surprises related to this vibrator.  While the vibe on this mini bullet is not much bigger than a quarter, it carries a lot of power in that small area.  With four vibration settings, you can go from just a light teasing at the lower settings to some real stimulation at the higher settings.  Of course it has been great for clitoral stimulation, but we've used it for nipple stimulation as well.

This vibe is very mobile.  The remote control easily fits into a pocket and the cord is amply long to be placed on those sensitive spots!  The vibe is so quiet it could be called silent.  The only noise I ever hear is from the clicks when clicking up the power setting!  Well the only noise I ever hear from the vibrator, that is.  This silent quality makes it a nice little toy for some "private" play in public.  Which leads to another of my surprises related to this toy.

When Sir saw what my review toy would be, I think he immediately planned to send me out in public with it.  We have done quite a bit of "bedroom" play with the mini bullet, but I think Sir enjoyed the public outing more.

Sir sent me to a local mall fitted with the mini vibe and with directions to find a crowded area.  The crowded area didn't bother me so much because of the noise factor, because the vibe really is virtually silent.  But, by the time I had found a really crowded area, the vibe had been on for a few minutes and was already causing some really nice sensations.  I was already trying different stances and positions to get the maximum effect out of the vibe.  I'm sure if people took notice, they would have thought I had ants in my pants. It wasn't ants, it was a purple people eater!  I was constantly wiggling to get the most contact and stimulation I could.

Sir had me walk around the mall for quite awhile, the vibe on the ENTIRE time.  At one point, he had me go to the food court and sit.  The added pressure of the chair pressing the vibe closer was intoxicating.  We had to turn it off at that point or have a really public incident.  Plus, it has been on for a while and was getting a little warm.  The little thing needed a rest.  Well....several little things needed a rest at that point!!!!

Having, quite literally, buzzed around the mall for a few hours, Sir sent me to a restroom for some more direct stimulation!   A time that would have had a splendid conclusion except for the entrance of a mommy with a very unhappy baby.  Mood killer...so we took the play to my car, which was parked in the first parking spot in the row.  I know, not the smartest place to park for playing, but I wasn't even considering that when I parked. So, the end of this play session with the bullet was ultimately delayed until I was once again home.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this purple people eater.  It packs a lot of pleasurable punch in a very small area.  I can't stress enough how absolutely quiet it is.  It is easily cleaned and very mobile.  It's a great little vibe that I thoroughly recommend.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Music Monday - (Revised 5/23, 7:30 am)

The Beatles - Birthday

Happy Birthday, Sir.



You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.

Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party
Yes we're going to a party party

I would like you to dance (Birthday)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (Birthday)
I would like you to dance (Birthday)
Dance

I would like you to dance (Birthday)
Take a cha-cha-cha-chance (Birthday)
I would like you to dance (Birthday)
Dance

You say it's your birthday
Well it's my birthday too, yeah
You say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you.


"THE BEATLES - BIRTHDAY LYRICS." Lyrics. Web. 20 May 2011. <http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/birthday-lyrics-the-beatles/1a263ecc19f362a048256bc2002104f6>.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Has It Ended Yet?

No?  The world didn't end today?  Well, I guess that means I'm having a birthday tomorrow after all.  That's alright with me.

Tomorrow is my 46th.  When the hell did that happen?  My normal glass half empty self might be prone to bemoan the fact that I will now be closer to 50 than 40.  But, that will have been so for 364 days 23 hours and 59 seconds, won't it?

And on an even better note (although what can be better than the world not ending?), I got carded today.  Yep, I bought alcohol and actually got carded.  Not bad.  Makes being closer to 50 than 40 not be so freakin' bad afterall.  I guess that is one benefit of living in a climate where the growing of gills may actually be advantageous.

And to top that note.  Yes, it just keeps getting better.  Sir sent me to the mall with a new toy.  A remote controlled mini-vibe. So I buzzed, quite literally, around the mall for over an hour with the vibe buzzing me the whole time.  Ohhhhh yesssssss!

Thank you, Sir.  And a happy birthday to me!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Vanilla Sex Rx

There was a thread on FetLife recently asking male Doms if vanilla sex ever worked/works for them.  As usual for FetLife, the responses were varied from along the lines of, "yeah, a break is good every now and then," to "why in the world would I want vanilla sex."

It got me wondering if any of us have ever truly had vanilla sex?  I mean if this is who we truly are at our deepest core, then surely it has at least at some level revealed itself sexually all along?  Maybe not consciously, but undeniably there nonetheless.   If not in actual practice, then as a fantasy escape during vanilla sex to bring the Dominant or submissive aspect into it? Surely a Dom as always wanted to dominate.  And, likewise, surely a submissive has always wanted to submit.

I'm not sure that I have EVER had vanilla sex.  That's not to say that, until now, I've been submissive in sex.  I think quite the opposite can be said for me.  Why?  Because I've always tried to push a partner into dominating me.

I remember my first real sexual encounter.  It was my first inkling that I was different.  Or, at least that I did something that this guy was just not expecting to happen.  I was 13.  He was 19.  I know.  We had been playing around on his bed.  I'm now on my back and he is about to enter me.  This is when it happens.  I suddenly throw my legs over his shoulders and scream, literally, "FUCK ME, HURT ME, MAKE IT HURT."  I will never forget the frozen look of horror on his face.  I'm not sure what thoughts went through his mind, but I know he was in shock.  I'm really surprised he could finish the deed he was so shocked.  And, it wasn't a turn on for him at all.  I know this from later talks with him.  In fact, he was quite concerned about my emotional well being.  That's putting it lightly.  He thought I was a little crazy.

You have to understand that at this time, at 13, I had never seen porn, had never looked at a dirty magazine or read a dirty book.  It was just there.  Already in me.

So if I were to answer the thread in FetLife, I would have to say, "No, it is completely impossible for me to have vanilla sex.  It would never work for me."

Monday, May 16, 2011

Music Monday - May 16

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me



You've got your ball,
You've got your chain
Tied to me tight, tie me up again.
Who's got their claws
In you my friend?
Into your heart I'll beat again
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock,
And sweet you roll
Lost for you, I'm so lost for you

Oh, and you come crash into me
And I come into you
And I come into you
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Touch your lips just so I know
In your eyes, love, it glows so
I'm bare-boned and crazy... for you.

Oh, and you come crash into me
Baby, and I come into you
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

And if I've gone overboard
Then I'm begging you
To forgive me
In my haste
When I'm holding you so girl,
Close to me

Oh and you come crash into me, yeah
Baby, and I come into you
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
Hike up your skirt a little more
And show your world to me
In a boy's dream
In a boy's dream

Oh, I watch you there
Through the window
And I stare at you
You wear nothing, but you
Wear it so well
Tied up and twisted,
The way I'd like to be
For you, for me, come crash into me, baby
Come crash into me, yeah

Crash into me...
Crash into me...
Crash into me...

You know, I'm the king of the castle,
And you're the dirty rascal, crash into me.
Please crash into me, baby...

Oh, no no no...
Yes,
I see the wave come and crash into me.
I see the wave come and crash into me.
Crash into me.

"DAVE MATTHEWS BAND AND DAVE MATTHEWS - CRASH INTO ME LYRICS." Lyrics. Web. 16 May 2011. <http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/crash-into-me-lyrics-dave-matthews-band-and-dave-matthews/558a94a60265645c48256bd1000dbb76>.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Are You Gonna Be My Girl?

I heard a song on the radio this morning that, at first, I thought would be good for Music Monday. Then, as I thought about one particular phrase in the song, I realized I wanted to post my reaction to it. The song (and phrase) is Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet.

It made me think of my reaction when Sir calls me his good girl or says things like, "You are mine." I always respond, "Yes sir." These things are usually said during our sessions and I've thought that because I'm in a stupor that it just makes it easier to respond affirmatively to any proclamation Sir wants to make.

But, in the stone cold soberness of a morning drive to work, I hear the unasked question of my Sir. And in that sobriety my response is still, "Yes. I will be your girl." I am well on my way to, in truth, being his good girl.

I feel a bowing in my soul when I think of him. He has taken me. He has made me his. I am his good girl.

Yes. Sir. I will be your girl.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Music Monday

California Dreamin' - The Mamas & The Papas
(Just because it was hard to leave paradise)



all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm
if I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray

you know the preacher likes the cold
he knows I'm gonna stay
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

if I didn't tell her
I could leave today
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day
 
 
"California Dreaming Lyrics - California Dreaming." Lyrics. Web. 08 May 2011. 
         <http://www.lyricsbox.com/california-dreaming-lyrics-california-dreaming-4bph65b.html>. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there. You all deserve kudos for the job you do.

And to my own mom.  You were the most amazing woman EVER.  I love and miss you and will think of you everyday until I see you again.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Home Again, Home Again. Jiggity Jig.

Well, I am back in Texas. I had a wonderful time in San Diego. It really is, in my opinion, heaven on earth. Just gorgeous. Perfect weather and beautiful scenery. It really would take only the slightest (realistic) nudge and I would be there permanently in a heartbeat. Of course, I always get nudges from my family on the West Coast to move there. It would make more sense, since I am closer to them than the the Texas crew.

Oh well. The trip is over and I'm back to reality.

I did email EdenFantasys and let them know I would like to participate in the toy review program. Should be interesting. We'll see how my writing skills work on that! Hmmmm..... Maybe I should start reading some erotica just to prepare for it. ;-)

I went toy shopping while in San Diego. With my sister and niece, no less. See what I mean? They really are more my kind of people. Oh, I forgot. I'm back to reality.  I got some of those supposedly low pain tweezer nipple clamps.  Pfft!  Not!  Maybe I'm too enthusiastic and had them too tight, but tight they were. I didn't wear them too long.  Really just tried them on to see how they worked.  Oh and they have the little chain that I can pull.  That's nice.  That's better than the clothespins I've been using.  Clothespins don't always stay on when I try to pull them.

And I got a few other toys.  I will tell about those later because apparently I'm to start training with them soon.

*Gulps*

And I'm willingly doing this to myself?  LOL.

Just wanted to say hello again.  I missed my blog family while away.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Music Monday

Nine Inch Nails:  Closer
(My favorite NIN song)




You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
(Help me...)
I broke apart my insides
(Help me...)
I've got no soul to sell
(Help me...)
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself,

I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

(Help me...)
You tear down my reason
(Help me...)
It's your sex I can smell
(Help me...)
You make me perfect
Help me become somebody else

I wanna fuck you like an animal
I wanna feel you from the inside
I wanna fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to God

Through every forest
Above the trees
Within my stomach
Scraped off my knees
I drink the honey, inside your hive...
You are the reason I stay alive...



"NINE INCH NAILS - CLOSER LYRICS." Lyrics. Web. 28 Apr. 2011. <http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/closer-lyrics-nine-inch-nails/63c17f47752ce85748256cc60024516f>.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane

Remember that song?  When I was younger, much younger, (God, I can't believe I'm saying things like that) it seems like that song was the one playing when my morning alarm would sound.  I remember it produced in me feelings of hollowness and loneliness.  Crazy how I react to music.  Something about musical lyrics and I just seem to go someplace else.  Good or bad.

Speaking of going someplace else.  I really am leaving on a jet plane. I'll be in San Diego (aka Heaven) for a week.  I'll just have to suffer through it!  Hehehe. It would only take the slightest nudge for me to not ever leave the place.  That's how much I love San Diego. I have a arm's length list of things I want to do while there:  Wild Animal Park, Balboa Park, Coronado Island (mainly for the bridge, I love that bridge), the Harbor, Gas Lamp District, margaritas at this yummy Mexican food place in the Old Town, etc, etc, etc.

Maybe I'll blog pictures.  That way I won't be remiss in reporting again.  And maybe I'll have other stuff to report. We'll see.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Remiss at Reporting my Whereabouts

I know that is not even close to a correct alliteration. And I respectfully request your reprieve for both the rotten literary effort and for being remiss at reporting.

Various and sundry things have kept me occupied this week.  I want to report on them, but not sure what to say yet.  So, regretfully, I will have to leave you in suspense.  I know, I know. Everyone is dying to hear about what is happening in my life, right?

*Sigh*

One strange thing happened this week.  EdenFantasys contacted me about their review in exchange for a toy opportunity.  Really?  I have all of 10 followers.  But, hey.  Who am I to turn down free toys.  I want some of those nipple clamps LittleMonkey just tried.  Oh yes! Actually, at first I was really excited. Now I have performance anxiety and I'm a little hesitant to accept the offer.  My writing tends to be so reflective and intense.  And if it doesn't conform to the former quality, then it tends to be technical - cut and dry.  Not the exactly stuff that makes for titillating reviews of toys.  We'll see.

Peace and love,
poured out

Monday, April 25, 2011

Music Monday

Enigma:  Mea Culpa



Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
O Sacrum Convivium
recolitur passionis eius
Je ne dors plus (Je ne dors plus)
Je te desire (Je te desire)
Je veux aller au bout de mes fantasmes
Je sais que c'est interdit
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea culpa (Mea culpa)
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)
O Sacrum Convivium
recolitur passionis eius
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa Prends moi
Je suis a toi Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)
Prends moi
Je suis a toi
Mea Culpa
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)

Translation
Turn of the light,
take a deep breath and relax
O Sacret Banquet
His passion is renewed
I can't sleep anymore
I desire you
I want to go to the end of my fantasies
I know it's forbidden
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
O Sacred Banquet
His passion is renewed
Take me
I'm yours
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
I'm yours, I'm guilty
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty


"ENIGMA - MEA CULPA LYRICS." Lyrics. Web. 24 Apr. 2011. <http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/mea-culpa-lyrics-enigma/73f8d4e93d917f694825687700209f4d>.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Relationships

I have very few people I call my friends.  It has nothing to do with how likeable I am.  Really, it is has nothing to do with my likability.  It is just my temperament or my personality type.  In the Myers-Briggs temperament typology I am a classic INFJ.  Yep, that is probably the introvert of the introverts. Part and parcel of that temperament is a tendency to have very few, but long time friends.  That's me.  It takes me awhile, but once I call a person my friend, it is sealed.  It is for a lifetime.  My feelings run deep when it comes to my friends.

I have had some friends in crisis this week.  A family member is extremely ill.  The family has been called in twice, not thinking the person would make it through the day or night.  The height of the crisis came this past Monday night when it looked certain the person was not going to make it.  I received a phone call late in the night from my friends saying they needed to get to the hospital immediately.  Could I come over and stay with the boys?  Without hesitation, I said yes.  We all remained in heightened mode until Wednesday when, thankfully, the family member seemed to stabilize some.  I was grateful to be able to help.

What makes me even more thankful is that this is a relationship that has been mended.  A couple of years ago there were some painful things that happened in my circle of friends and we all went away damaged, limping and bruised. This couple in particular were singled out in the drama and treated rather unjustly.  I really thought this particular relationship was one that would never be restored.  The hurts were just too deep. The misunderstandings just kept piling up and not going away.  It was a friendship that I truly mourned the loss.  But, the last year has gradually brought reconciliation and a return of trust and intimacy.   It required facing some really ugly realities, mountains of hurt, being honest about them and then the process of getting past them and letting it go.

The importance of the restoration of the friendship has struck me this week.  There are certain relationships that I have quite purposefully avoided.  I have never married primarily because I've never felt I had the ability to make that type of relationship work.  I have always thought it would get to be too much and I would want to bolt, or that I didn't have the emotional stamina to sustain it.  It has been a self-protection mechanism really.  And now that I really think about it a  really poor one at that.  Quite frankly it has dawned on me, "What the hell have I been thinking?"  I really don't have an answer, but I've realized that my emotional make-up is really the opposite.  I fight and I fight hard for what I love.  I will, and have, gone to incredible lengths to keep those who are important to me in my life.  I have the ability to weather incredible adversity and still survive.

What does this have to do with this lifestyle?  Not sure.  I only know I am doing ALOT of soul searching about who I am, what I want and where I am going to go with it.  It's amazing to look at myself and think I have alot to give and I really, really want to give it.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Stress Relief

OMG.  Nothing like an hour on the treadmill to get rid of the stress....

Well hell, others probably have better outlets than me right now. But, it worked.

Now I'm off to totally screw the benefit of it and have some margaritas!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

And the Bookworm Has Arrived

Yay!  My books came in today.  I am super excited about delving into them.  Nom nom nom (that's the bookworm eating up the books).  Have I mentioned I'm a word slut.  Strings of words affect me even more!  I can't even begin to say the effect that well formed prose has upon me.  Yum.

Oops!  I digress.   Back to the bookworm....

Four books came in the mail today:
  • The Loving Dominant, John and Libby Warren
  • Different Loving, Gloria and William Brame
  • Erotic Surrender, Claudia Varrin
  • Conquer Me, Kacie Cunnigham

And I have more in mind to purchase.  I'll practice some self control, however, and at least wait until these are read.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Praxis

praxis

\ PRAK-sis noun;

1. Practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills.

2. Convention, habit, or custom.

3. A set of examples for practice.

I am a total word nerd.  I have several "word of the day" type subscriptions that are delivered to my email.  I love words. I am, admittedly, a word slut.

The relevancy to my present situation of today's word, praxis, just cannot be overlooked.  I find myself on the precipice of an experience I honestly never thought or dreamed or, truth be told, fantasized myself facing.  Facing the choice to remain in the realm of theory or to walk across whatever threshold exists and enter into the real world, what will I do?

How many can remember your first leap?  The first confession of your need?  Your first taking, or your first submitting?  How you stood on that precipice and took the chance, accepted the risk, and broke the barrier between your musings of what it could be into the realization?

This is the place in which I stand.  As I stand here I feel my palms sweat, my heart race and my skin tingle as I imagine closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and walking off the edge of theory into the unknown.
 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pulling Out the Weeds

I am an incredibly visual person.  I am also a fairly exact person.  It's these characteristics that I believe have lead me to struggle with a statement I read today.  Given, the entirety of the document I read didn't compel the reaction, or even the supposition, I had to this one statement, still I struggled with it.  This statement proposed submission was analogous to presenting to one's Master/Dom an empty chalice or a blank canvas. While I understand each person's perspective is valid, and I am probably being hyper-critical in my evaluation of this statement, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. My main issue with the analogy being that if one is empty or blank, what does one have to submit?

I see submission differently.  Or, at least, I have a totally different feeling about submission than what the above imagery evoked in me. I see submission as something strong, and full and powerful and the emptying or offering of that to someone else. Pouring out yourself for someone else.  And, of course, I'm not saying this person doesn't have the view that submission is strong and full and powerful.  Actually, the imagery the person used to describe their view of submission was really quite beautiful.  I just couldn't get past the initial image that I saw when I read empty chalice, blank canvas.

I have somewhat sorted this out while writing about it.  It's not about any one person's specific view or opinion of what is or is not submission.  How many times have I been reminded or encouraged that the dynamic is what you want to make of it?  What fits you?  Multi-faceted and multi-dimensional.

The real issue for me today was that I allowed one statement (out of a beautifully written piece on submission) to rock my world a bit because how I interpreted it didn't align with how I see the thing.  I suppose I am still struggling as to whether this is real in me and one seemingly contradictory statement from a person experienced in her journey was enough to throw me off kilter. Wow. However many things I have read that affirmed, "Yes, that is how I feel," or, "Yes, that is me," I still let one statement (taken out of its context) throw that seed of doubt that took root for a bit today.

Whew! I feel better about getting rid of that one. So, I've changed the title of this post from What is Submission? to what it is now.  Because that is really what happened isn't it?

And...if I sounded critical of the other person's view, that was so not my intention.  Just trying to sort things out.


(¯`·._.·(¯`·._.·(¯`·._.· What do you think? ·._.·´¯)·._.·´¯)·._.·´¯)

Undisclosed Desires

This song so encapsulates how I feel right now.  Every time I hear it, the longing is just pulled out of me.

Muse - Undisclosed Desires


I know you suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Saturday, April 2, 2011

The Dark Side of Knowledge

                                                   
 



As our circle of knowledge expands,
so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.
  Albert Einstein   




 
I am in the beginning stages of finding out just what level and what facets of this lifestyle I want.  What fits me.  Through all the reading and research and browsing and lurking, I have found some things that definitely "speak to me."  Sometimes the reactions to these things I feel this affinity toward is so strong it is shocking.   As I gain this knowledge about myself, my wants, my desires, I am finding there is much more left unknown.  Each new awareness seems to bring with it a plethora of unanswered questions. Insight not yet attainable.  These unanswered questions comprise the gamut of past, present and future.

How could I have not known this before?
What am I going to do about this?
Where will this lead me?

I know where the answers to these unanswered questions lie.  They lie in the dark circumference.  It won't be until I push further and expand this present circle that I'll have more answers.