Where I Need To Be

Sometimes where I need to be is right there. Nestled against his chest. Feeling his arms around me. Hearing him whisper in my ear. Feeling his warmth.

Sometimes I feel so small.  So broken. So needy. All I think of doing is cuddling up in his lap.  And feel his comfort.  Feel the re-assurance of being his.

Sometimes I feel like that little girl. So scared. So helpless. All I can think of doing is melting into him.  And asking, "Sir, please hold my hand."

Feeling particularly weak lately.  Feeling alone. Feeling so out of control.  Spiraling into a not so good place.  I knew I couldn't ground myself.  Knew if I let it continue, it could end up hurting us.  Finally, I asked.  Sir, please hold my hand.

Sir J recently wrote a post about the intimacy of holding hands.  It so beautifully portrays how I have been feeling.

Love & SSO

Dismantled

There is something quite dismantling about love.

Tired of Speaking Sweetly

Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God.

If you had the courage and
Could give the Beloved His choice, some nights,
He would just drag you around the room
By your hair,
Ripping from your grip all those toys in the world
That bring you no joy.

Love sometimes gets tired of speaking sweetly
And wants to rip to shreds
All your erroneous notions of truth

That make you fight within yourself, dear one,
And with others,

Causing the world to weep
On too many fine days.

God wants to manhandle us,
Lock us inside of a tiny room with Himself
And practice His dropkick.

The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:

Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out.

But when we hear
He is in such a "playful drunken mood"
Most everyone I know
Quickly packs their bags and hightails it
Out of town.

~Hafiz
From: 'The Gift'
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky

Landing on Earth

Apparently, I fell off the face of the earth.

I haven't posted since February -- right before Sir's 2nd visit.  Well, technically 3rd.  But, who's counting, right?

Well, I am again.  Counting, that is.  Sir will be here again next week.  I can't wait to be with him again. 

Maybe we'll make it to the beach this time.  Actually, we did go last time, but it was so cold we had to bundle up.  And...I walked along the jetties in flip flops.  Wasn't a good idea.  I twisted my ankle. Not a very fun walk along the beach. At least not the romantic kind of walk we've both imagined.  It was in the 70s here today so here's hoping it holds out for next week as well.

I have friends staying with me the next couple of days.  I will be glad to see them.  Haven't seen them since July.

As much as I love my friends and will be so happy to be spend time with them, I still feel a little sad.  Broken-hearted almost.  Because I will not get to spend as much with Sir in the evening.  We talk every evening.  He puts me to bed every night.  I feel teary-eyed when I even think about having to miss that.

Who knew such a wonderful Sir could turn me into a puddle of sentimental goo.

Love & SSO

Oh....Did I Forget To Mention?

Sir will be here Friday!!!

Yep!

I'm Deeper Than I Thought

Or, for another title, "How Did He Slip That In?"

Hmmmm...both those titles could totally go somewhere else...but, I will continue on my original course.

I've been with Sir for 22 months.  It seems like yesterday.  It seems like forever.

We met through our blogs.  We began by just talking about  the lifestyle.  We talked about "life" stuff  as well and found out we had quite a bit in common.  Simple things like both living in a coastal city, loving the beach, birthdays one day apart.  And more complicated stuff.  The difficult stuff.  We had that in common as well.  Maybe that is why we connected so quickly, so well.  We understood each other.

When he first became my Sir, it was only sexual.  He controlled the sexual aspects of my life.  I couldn't play with myself, orgasm, anything without first asking him. When we first met, it was a busy, busy time for Sir at work so we were limited in how often we could connect. Because of that, I was allowed to request these things and if he didn't respond in 15 minutes, I was allowed.  As I've written before, I've never asked for permission.  I think it's because in those first months I knew he wouldn't be able to respond within the 15 minutes and being aware of that yet asking anyway felt like I was cheating.

As time has gone by, Sir has added requirements to my day to day activities. He's added some rituals. He's given me a few rules.  He's told me what to wear a few times. It's gone way beyond sexual and has been for a very long time.

Which brings we to today.  Something happened today that made me realize I'm deeper than I thought.

Sir and I Instant Message each other during the day when I am at work.  We were chatting this morning when Sir told me he was going to have lunch with a friend.

Maybe I should back up and give some background on what prompted this particular chat.  My job has been horrible lately. Abysmal.  Literally going from loving it to hating it overnight.  No, shorter than that.  In the length of time to make one announcement.  180° directional maladjustment. Because of that, and because I freakin' miss Sir so much when we're apart, I've considered moving to where Sir is and have done some research on what's available in the area.

So, back to the story.... Because this friend Sir was having lunch with is kind of influential in the city where Sir lives, I IM'd Sir and said, "Ask him he if has the inside on any jobs in the area."  Sir responded, "LOL." The sentence was in jest.  Totally.

But, it had already happened.  I had just realized I was deeper than I thought.  It almost made me sick to my stomach that I had told Sir to do something.  Truth be told, I probably have in the past.  I'm sure in the course of these 22 months there has been at least one or two imperative sentences.  But, today was totally different.  As soon as I hit send and saw the sentence on the screen, it felt wrong.  I felt out of line.  I felt something.  Something I've not felt before.  Deeper than I thought.

It's probably been blatantly obvious that this is way past just sexual.  Has been for a very long time.  My question is, "How did he slip that in?"

Love & SSO

It Is Mine

You may know what I’ve been through

You may have even been through similar yourself,

You may know all the things that have happened to me

Every blow by blow

Every bruise and wound

Every scar left behind

But, you don’t know the sorrow of my soul

That is unique to me

It has been my own

Likewise, you may know what I’ve overcome

You may have even overcome as well

You may know every demon I’ve battled

Every war I’ve won

Every release and freedom I’ve been given

Every healing I’ve known

But, you don’t know the joy of my soul

That is unique to me

It is my own

I Never Would Have Admitted It

In a Thousand Billion years I never would have admitted
That I needed someone.
That I needed him.

Never in a Thousand Billion years would I have dreamed
That I wanted someone.
That I wanted him.

Never in a Thousand Billion years would I have guessed
That I would love someone.
That I love him.

Love and SSO

Sir's Visit (100th Post)

I finally got to my 100th post.  And it's appropriate that it should be about Sir's visit this weekend.  Actually, I posted another post just a bit earlier and deleted it because it was just too mopey.  I'm trying to be better about being upbeat.

We had a wonderful weekend together.

He brought me flowers.  So sweet.  They are beautiful red roses.

However, I think the sweetest thing he did was pack early.  Sir travels a lot for work.  And if we get to talk in the morning before he leaves for his flight, he is still packing.  It was so so so sweet that he so anticipated being here so much that he packed early.

Saturday we stayed in bed for so long.  I want to say half the day, but that might be an exaggeration. We walked a trail at a local park.  It was nice and quiet.  It was rather humid though.  I've lived here all my life and I've never acclimated to the humidity.  But, it was a beautiful day.  We drove to the beach.  And drove along the shoreline for a little while.  Sir was amazed at how few people were at the beach.  It's one of his favorite things to do, I believe, is walk on the beach.  It probably is top on the list.  Right after spanking me and doing other things to me.  :-)

One of his Christmas presents was Casablanca on DVD.  It's his favorite! We watched that together Saturday.  We did a lot of vanilla things.

Sunday we drove to the Island.  It was super crowded.  Not like the beaches where I live.  We scoped out places to stay on a mini-vacation!!!  My favorite place is on the Harborside, but Sir loves the beach.  And there are so many place just across the street from the beach.  We'll stay on the beach side when we spend time there.

We ate in for all our meals.  I loved doting on him.  Cooking for him.  Taking care of him.

We cuddled and hugged alot. I got spanked a lot. Flogged a couple of times.  Both spanked and flogged once. (More on that damned flogger later.)  Kissed alot. Other things alot!

Neither of us wanted to get out of bed this morning.  I wanted to hold onto him a little longer.  Well...more than a little longer.

Honestly, I miss him so much now it hurts. It gets harder to tell him goodbye. But, he'll be back soon.

Or, I'll be there???  My job has gone down the drain recently so I am going to check out the job market where he lives.  Who knows; maybe it's in the cards?

The weekend was wonderful. Amazing. The only thing that made it not perfect is that it ended.

Love & SSO

He's Here

And that's all I got to say about that!

SSO

Doing the Happy Dance

It's Monday and I can't wait for Friday to get here.  Not in the Monday Blahs kind of way.

But, because.....

Sir will be here Friday!

I'm one happy girl.  Doing the Happy Dance!

Love & SSO

I Got A Spanking

That probably isn't considered big news for a kinky blog!  And, it's especially not the most titillating news in the kinky blog world!

But, still....

I got a spanking.

It's my first since we were together in November.  I haven't had a spanking since. 

If I didn't know Sir better, I'd say it was because I used a bit of inappropriate language watching the Bulls play tonight.  But, I don't get punishment spankings.  Ever.  It's just not Sir's thing.  Not that he would spank me for inappropriate language either.

Still, my first spanking since November.  Well, at least my first ass spanking.  My other parts have had spankings aplenty!

I've wondered about not getting spanked since we were together.  I've kinda had this feeling of dread about having a spanking again.   I have, being who I am,  analyzed it up and down, backwards and forwards.  I think it's because I feared being disappointed by it.

It's difficult being in an LDR.  If Sir wants me to have a spanking, I have to administer it for him.  I have a vivid imagination though and get my mind in a certain place pretty quickly that it is Sir giving me the spanking.  Or, that he actually there, not over the phone, wanting me to spank myself for him.  Weird, maybe, but it works.  Because really who would spank themselves?  Pfft! 

Since November, though, I've dreaded not being able to get back in that space because...well, I've had Sir really spank me now.  I felt like I would want him again too much to get in that space.

After watching the Bulls fumble (well, there weren't any real fumbles, at least not that I remember) to a win, we were going to take a dinner break and connect again a little later.  That is until Sir decided I needed a spanking.

Yes, Sir.

As usual, my dread was for naught. And all it took was pulling down my panties and counting the first spank.  I was in that place.

Still, I can't wait until the end of the month when Sir comes to visit again and I get his real spankings again.

Love & SSO

New Year Aspirations

...in pictures!

Be More Postive
Be More Involved.
Just Be.
Be More Social
Do More Good.
Embrace Life.
Get Outdoors More.
Live Life.
Be More Frugal.
Be More Creative.
Be Kind.
Be Fabulous.
Be Well.
Be Whole.
Be Healthy.
Expand My Horizons.
Live Simply.
Bloom Wildly.

It's going to be a Very Good year!