I recently posted about a session with Sir in which I let some walls down. It was a wonderful time. And the walls have stayed down really. Although we haven't experienced the same intensity as we did that night, I haven't closed off the area that I opened to Sir that day. And Sir periodically kicks the bricks, so to speak, to be sure that wall isn't being rebuilt.
What one can expect when walls come down is a good amount of rubble and some dust being stirred around. Well, that is what happened when my walls came down.
The night, as I posted before, was intense. Full of some very raw emotions and definitely some untouched places. And I still couldn't tell you what triggered the release, but it was unexpected. Sir navigated the uncharted area very well - for which, I am very thankful.
If I was unprepared for the release, I was even more unprepared for the after effects. I woke up feeling the most dreadful feeling. An almost indescribable heaviness. I suppose it was sub drop. I was concerned about what Sir thought of me, even though the night before he told me how much he enjoyed it. Cuddled me and put me to bed like he does every night. It seemed just a little irrational for me to be feeling what I was feeling. Along with Sir's opinion, I was rifled with just general feelings of horror of, "OMG, what did I do?" "How could I have called myself whore?" "How could I have let those things happen to me?" "How could I have let myself be treated that way?" "Allowed those things to be said about me?"
Much, much, much out of character for me I immediately told Sir the emotions I was dealing with. Sir was so good at consoling me and reassuring me that he was pleased and what it meant to him that I let those walls down for him. He talked me through all my doubts and soothed those fears.
I'm okay totally okay about it now. My first real experience with, what I suppose was, sub drop was interesting. And I survived! However, in the back of my want to be in control of things little head I'm wondering if we can somehow plan the next round of wall tumbling! I do much better with a plan!