I recently posted about a session with Sir in which I let some walls down. It was a wonderful time. And the walls have stayed down really. Although we haven't experienced the same intensity as we did that night, I haven't closed off the area that I opened to Sir that day. And Sir periodically kicks the bricks, so to speak, to be sure that wall isn't being rebuilt.
What one can expect when walls come down is a good amount of rubble and some dust being stirred around. Well, that is what happened when my walls came down.
The night, as I posted before, was intense. Full of some very raw emotions and definitely some untouched places. And I still couldn't tell you what triggered the release, but it was unexpected. Sir navigated the uncharted area very well - for which, I am very thankful.
If I was unprepared for the release, I was even more unprepared for the after effects. I woke up feeling the most dreadful feeling. An almost indescribable heaviness. I suppose it was sub drop. I was concerned about what Sir thought of me, even though the night before he told me how much he enjoyed it. Cuddled me and put me to bed like he does every night. It seemed just a little irrational for me to be feeling what I was feeling. Along with Sir's opinion, I was rifled with just general feelings of horror of, "OMG, what did I do?" "How could I have called myself whore?" "How could I have let those things happen to me?" "How could I have let myself be treated that way?" "Allowed those things to be said about me?"
Much, much, much out of character for me I immediately told Sir the emotions I was dealing with. Sir was so good at consoling me and reassuring me that he was pleased and what it meant to him that I let those walls down for him. He talked me through all my doubts and soothed those fears.
I'm okay totally okay about it now. My first real experience with, what I suppose was, sub drop was interesting. And I survived! However, in the back of my want to be in control of things little head I'm wondering if we can somehow plan the next round of wall tumbling! I do much better with a plan!
Thanks for sharing! I posted on my blog today about how I was feeling ashamed of what I like. I think it's hard for women to admit what they really like and in the cold light of day I know I have been afraid to tell Daddy, but he read my blog and it didn't phase him at all. He hugged me and reassured me that he loves me no matter what! I feel safe now letting my real feelings out, at least until the next time something comes up, lol!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kitty
Kitty - this TTWD is definitely a journey of self-discovery. And disclosure! LOL. I so get your "until the next time something comes up" comment. Sometimes I wonder just how much reinforcement it will take for me to believe Sir when he says he wants to know what is really going on with me. At least in this instance I was so freaked out by my emotions that I told Sir immediately. Definitely realized it was not something I could, or even wanted to, handle by myself. Sir is definitely helping me in the area of opening up and communicating.
ReplyDeleteThat's great that your Sir is not just about Himself...that he really cares about you and your feelings.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Kitty
I recently had a situation with my man where I realized I might be under-communicating for fear of over-communicating. We hear a lot about how men aren't necessarily thrilled to have to hear about the woman's "feelings" all the time. It's great that you could communicate them and get such a comforting response.
ReplyDeletet1klish - I do the same - undercommunicate. And that is an understatement! Sir definitely wants to know what is going on with me. He always, always genuinely listens. He has helped me so much. I am beginning to realize I can tell him anything and not worry about it. I'm so grateful for him.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting my blog and the invitation to yours. I'll be sure to stop by.