Evolution

"Sir, I remember asking you once if you were a sadist."

"I remember that my good girl."

"Sir?"

"Yes, my good girl?"

"I distinctly remember you saying you were not."

He laughs....

"You've whet my appetite my good girl."

I didn't feel well this weekend and haven't so far this week.  We've played a little, but not like usual.  I saw the clothespins on my bedside table.  Just sitting.  Unused.  And I thought....

I miss them.

I guess we're both evolving.

SSO

Light Bulb Moment

So.....my last post was about the various train rides on which I tend to take rides.

A day or so after the event that sent me on my last train ride, Sir and I were chatting while I was at work.  We were talking about the blog post I wrote about it and how he thought that was a good thing.  Sir felt it was a healthy thing to open up and blog about what I was struggling with.  He said he thought it was courageous. 

(<.<)  Huh? (>.>)

I was sorta dumbfounded....  It took me a minute or two to respond to that.

I felt just the opposite, really.  I felt it was a sign of weakness.  Proof I wasn't strong enough to deal with or handle something on my own.  In fact, I had planned to erase the post when I got home.  Remove the traces of evidence that I had shown a crack in the emotional invulnerability I project.

It's a little crazy I know...  But, I think it was the first time I realized I thought being open was synonymous with weakness.

Those who have dealt with this I'm sure understand.  I go to such a dark place.  Such hopelessness.

It was a light bulb moment for me.  My way of dealing with things isn't healthy or hopeful.  It's isolating.  It's debilitating. 

We talked about it that night. Sir, again, being so reassuring and supportive.

The relief Sir obviously felt spoke volumes to me.  Scared me, really, how relieved he was.

I never said it and neither did he, but I think he could feel it.  Me pushing him away.  Pulling away and withdrawing.

I think it was one of those make or break moments.  I'm grateful I didn't break.

I'm grateful Sir is here to help me.

SSO

Shake it Out

I've been going through some personal turmoil.  Stuff related to family craziness.  Always gets me so off kilter.  Sends me off on a train ride, but not the Crazy Train.  This train is much darker.  Causes me to doubt myself to the core.  Question my worth.  I'm too damaged.  Far too messed up for the effort.

Sir is being so supportive.  So kind and reassuring.

I wonder if this is really a narcissistic personality trait?  Somehow I make what someone else does ultimately all about me.


I heard this song yesterday.  Thought some of the words were fitting.  I got my phone out to make a note of the artist and song - only to find out I had already noted it twice before.  Ummmm...maybe I should really take note!

BTW...I hadn't watch the video before.  It's kinda.........kinky.

Florence and the Machine - Shake it Out

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Boarding the Crazy Train

Ozzy isn't the only person who rides that train.  Sometimes I've been known to get on board myself.  In fact, I took a short trip on the Crazy Train last weekend.

Sir has been putting me to bed earlier so that I can get more sleep.  I had just reached a breaking point because I was getting 6 hours of sleep a night.  I was feeling it mentally and physically.  Becoming nearly unable to function.  I asked Sir for an earlier bedtime.  I suppose my ride on the Crazy Train stemmed from hidden guilt for that.

Last weekend Sir was putting me to bed, like he does every night.  This particular day though, I had been busy and we had little time to connect.  It was the weekend and I had friends over as well.  They usually leave pretty late.  Well past my new bed time.  So after they left, I called Sir.  We had a really abbreviated play time and then he put me to bed.  We have a ritual.  He puts me to bed telling me to think about all the ways he has me serve him.

Nothing unusual.  Except Sir, quite innocently, added two little words to something he says every night.  I immediately interpreted what he said as displeasure with me.  And promptly presented my boarding pass to the Crazy Train.

I don't think I slept at all that night.  I tossed and turned.  Sick, really, that I had caused Sir to be upset with me.  However, sometime around 4:00 in the morning, I managed to convince myself that I was being unreasonable.  And I also knew I was going to have to tell Sir about my short ride on the Crazy Train.  He really, really insists on me telling him when I'm struggling or having problems.  I know that shouldn't be a problem, buuuuuuttttt....it's a HUGE deal for me.

When I called Sir the next morning I was so torn.  I didn't want to ruin the day by telling him about my irrational reaction, but I just couldn't continue without telling him.  So before we had a little fun and got on with our days, I told Sir I needed to talk to him.

Ugggghhhh.

I felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't want to do it, but I couldn't play without telling him.

That's an improvement I suppose.  Before I would have just bottled it inside for days.

I feel silly, really.  Having to confess like that.  Sir is always so reassuring, though.  Telling me how pleased he is that I told him.   He helps me so much to be more open.  To be able to trust.

He's told me before that I'm his dream.  He's mine really.  I feel so incredibly lucky to be his good girl.

SSO