So.....my last post was about the various train rides on which I tend to take rides.
A day or so after the event that sent me on my last train ride, Sir and I were chatting while I was at work. We were talking about the blog post I wrote about it and how he thought that was a good thing. Sir felt it was a healthy thing to open up and blog about what I was struggling with. He said he thought it was courageous.
I was sorta dumbfounded.... It took me a minute or two to respond to that.
I felt just the opposite, really. I felt it was a sign of weakness. Proof I wasn't strong enough to deal with or handle something on my own. In fact, I had planned to erase the post when I got home. Remove the traces of evidence that I had shown a crack in the emotional invulnerability I project.
It's a little crazy I know... But, I think it was the first time I realized I thought being open was synonymous with weakness.
Those who have dealt with this I'm sure understand. I go to such a dark place. Such hopelessness.
It was a light bulb moment for me. My way of dealing with things isn't healthy or hopeful. It's isolating. It's debilitating.
We talked about it that night. Sir, again, being so reassuring and supportive.
The relief Sir obviously felt spoke volumes to me. Scared me, really, how relieved he was.
I never said it and neither did he, but I think he could feel it. Me pushing him away. Pulling away and withdrawing.
I think it was one of those make or break moments. I'm grateful I didn't break.
I'm grateful Sir is here to help me.