I'm a Little Effed Up, But That's Okay

I have a lot of rambling conflict going on in my head right now.

I can suppress and avoid my issues like nobody's business.  I'm the Queen.  And I'm usually okay with not dealing.

Until I'm faced with something that triggers a memory

And then it's like all those individual suppressions down inside, wherever it is they are suppressed inside of me, have formed a chain of link and they start coming out one by one.

I had two triggers last week.  It's amazing how the most innocuous event can trigger a memory that sends me reeling.  That sick feeling of a train de-railing inside me.

Leaves me asking the same unresolved questions.

Why?
Why?
Why?

And I feel like some part of me dies every time I let an episode pass without resolving it.  But, in the passing of time I forget how much of me I've lost.  How much has died.

And I wonder how many more times this can happen? How much more of me can die?

I finally told Sir this weekend.  And not of my own initiative, really.  He asked specifically if anything was bothering me.  How did he know to do that?

Anyway. He said I wish you had told me sooner.

I hate feeling like I've disappointed him.

So, this morning I told him I was still feeling sad.  And admitted more as well.  That this is the point at which I usually want to run.  That I feel just too numb to fight it. That I just disappear without notice to anyone.

I don't know what I expected Sir's reaction to be to that admission.

Whatever it was, it wasn't the reaction that I actually got.  The news made Sir....

Happy?

Huh?

He was happy that I trusted him enough to tell him.

And he's right.  And I haven't cared enough or trusted enough in the past to confide that to anyone.  Before I would have just disappeared.  I may have regretted it down the road, but it would have just been another link in that chain that gets drawn out from time to time.

Now I've tasted happiness.  I'm happy being with Sir.

And I'm not willing to run.

SSO