There was a thread on FetLife recently asking male Doms if vanilla sex ever worked/works for them. As usual for FetLife, the responses were varied from along the lines of, "yeah, a break is good every now and then," to "why in the world would I want vanilla sex."
It got me wondering if any of us have ever truly had vanilla sex? I mean if this is who we truly are at our deepest core, then surely it has at least at some level revealed itself sexually all along? Maybe not consciously, but undeniably there nonetheless. If not in actual practice, then as a fantasy escape during vanilla sex to bring the Dominant or submissive aspect into it? Surely a Dom as always wanted to dominate. And, likewise, surely a submissive has always wanted to submit.
I'm not sure that I have EVER had vanilla sex. That's not to say that, until now, I've been submissive in sex. I think quite the opposite can be said for me. Why? Because I've always tried to push a partner into dominating me.
I remember my first real sexual encounter. It was my first inkling that I was different. Or, at least that I did something that this guy was just not expecting to happen. I was 13. He was 19. I know. We had been playing around on his bed. I'm now on my back and he is about to enter me. This is when it happens. I suddenly throw my legs over his shoulders and scream, literally, "FUCK ME, HURT ME, MAKE IT HURT." I will never forget the frozen look of horror on his face. I'm not sure what thoughts went through his mind, but I know he was in shock. I'm really surprised he could finish the deed he was so shocked. And, it wasn't a turn on for him at all. I know this from later talks with him. In fact, he was quite concerned about my emotional well being. That's putting it lightly. He thought I was a little crazy.
You have to understand that at this time, at 13, I had never seen porn, had never looked at a dirty magazine or read a dirty book. It was just there. Already in me.
So if I were to answer the thread in FetLife, I would have to say, "No, it is completely impossible for me to have vanilla sex. It would never work for me."
Yes. I understand what you are saying. However the physical act looks from the outside, it is our feelings about what is going on,about what we want and what excites us, that define it as "vanilla" or "D/s" sex. That being the case, I would answer the thread in exactly the same way as you. Interesting post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really present openly (sexually) as a Dom until I was almost 40. But the signs were there. I was married for many years and small elements were there.
ReplyDeleteI remember tying a girls hands behind her with a belt during a drunken fumble in the street when I was about 17, walking home from a party.
it is an interesting point you made ( and alice ) but I think that although the Dominant feelings were always there, I didn't get started until much later.
Alice,
ReplyDeleteYou make an interesting point. One in which I could see a distinction not only between vanilla and D/s, but between D/s and kink as well. Whereas, one person may like being tied up during sex just for the sake of being tied up, it could put another (ahem, me) in that submissive headspace of, "Yes, I just want you to you take what everything I'm giving you."
But, that is probably belaboring definitions too much. And who really cares if you're having fun!
Nick,
ReplyDeleteI've only recently starting exploring my submissive side. But, remembering things like the subject matter of this post, as well as other things, I realize, like you did, it has always been there.