Wednesday, August 17, 2011

This Stuff is Easy. Right?

Sir has used me alot.  He usually has access to me almost every night of the week.  Recently, though, a few of my nights have been taken up with commitments.  And Sir's evenings have been terribly hectic with work.

It's Sir's schedule that left me trying to think of ways to serve him differently.  To let him know I'm thinking of him and wanting to continue my submission, even when we can't connect as much as we usually do.

True to character, Sir thought of ways for me to show my submission to him.  All by himself.  Imagine that.  A Dom knowing what he wants submission to look like.  Amazing right?  Turns out it was something I didn't need to worry my little head about.

So far, I have found TTWD is pretty easy.  My part is just to serve, submit and obey.  And I'm a good girl.  I can do that pretty well.

Problem is.....  Yep, I've discovered a problem.  Sometimes I feel a tension between doing just that - serve, submit and obey - and wanting to show Sir how willing I am to to do so.

So for some background and a for instance:

As I said earlier, Sir uses me alot.  And we've been fortunate enough to be able to have long sessions. And usually at the end of those sessions (actually long before the end of those sessions), I'm just out of it.  Totally out of it.  I describe it in degrees of floatiness, beyond floatiness and being somewhere else.  And Sir loves having that effect on me.  Loves sending me to those places.  I think more often than not what ends our sessions is me just not being able to continue.

However, with the hectic schedules and the extra commitments our time together has been cut down to an hour or less an evening.  This is what led to the problem/tension I discovered.  With such little time this past week (and here's the problem....) I decided, I didn't want the time with Sir shortened by my inability to continue.  I wanted to stay grounded so Sir could take as much from me as he wanted.  I actually told Sir in the middle of the session I was trying not to get floaty so I could continue to serve him.

It wasn't until the next morning when I was sending my daily email to Sir, that I realized the gravity of what I had done.  OMG!  I had (unintentionally?) decided the direction of our session.  I immediately felt so ill. In my desire to prolong Sir's pleasure, I may have inadvertently robbed him of something that really pleases him -- the pleasure he gets out of sending me to those floaty "other" places.  And worse yet, I may have taken charge.  Uh-oh!

I talked to Sir about this because I was on unfamiliar territory.  I was a little concerned I might have done something that would result in discipline or punishment.  I mean, taking charge or directing would be something that would really NOT make Sir happy.  He said he didn't really mind that I had tried to stay grounded and not get floaty.  Then he said, "If you'll remember right after you told me you were trying to not get floaty, you actually got floaty."

So much for my efforts.  I'm learning.  Yes, TTWD is easy.  My job is to serve, submit and obey.  Sir knows where he wants to go.  I just need to follow.


  1. I like the way you talk about this. i know i get caught up in trying to figure out what would be best - even if with good intentions, it's too easy to over think.

  2. @greengirl - it is soooooooo easy to over think things. I'm learning that Sir knows what he wants and where he wants to go; and knows fully well how to there. I just need to follow.

    Thanks for the comment.