We Manage

In our LDR.  We manage. 

To talk to each every morning and every evening.  Well...there are a handful of times when that doesn't work out.  Like when Sir is visiting family on an overnight visit.  Or when I do the same.

But 99.99999999% of the time we manage to talk every morning and evening. 

And text throughout the day.

Some days I don't get reception at work.  That's frustrating.

And I miss him so much during those days.

Some times so much so that I feel like I could cry.

But I don't let myself cry.  Because that is just a silly girl thing to do.

Cry.

Sometimes I just wished I could let myself do a silly girl thing.

And cry.


SSO

I'm a Little Effed Up, But That's Okay

I have a lot of rambling conflict going on in my head right now.

I can suppress and avoid my issues like nobody's business.  I'm the Queen.  And I'm usually okay with not dealing.

Until I'm faced with something that triggers a memory

And then it's like all those individual suppressions down inside, wherever it is they are suppressed inside of me, have formed a chain of link and they start coming out one by one.

I had two triggers last week.  It's amazing how the most innocuous event can trigger a memory that sends me reeling.  That sick feeling of a train de-railing inside me.

Leaves me asking the same unresolved questions.

Why?
Why?
Why?

And I feel like some part of me dies every time I let an episode pass without resolving it.  But, in the passing of time I forget how much of me I've lost.  How much has died.

And I wonder how many more times this can happen? How much more of me can die?

I finally told Sir this weekend.  And not of my own initiative, really.  He asked specifically if anything was bothering me.  How did he know to do that?

Anyway. He said I wish you had told me sooner.

I hate feeling like I've disappointed him.

So, this morning I told him I was still feeling sad.  And admitted more as well.  That this is the point at which I usually want to run.  That I feel just too numb to fight it. That I just disappear without notice to anyone.

I don't know what I expected Sir's reaction to be to that admission.

Whatever it was, it wasn't the reaction that I actually got.  The news made Sir....

Happy?

Huh?

He was happy that I trusted him enough to tell him.

And he's right.  And I haven't cared enough or trusted enough in the past to confide that to anyone.  Before I would have just disappeared.  I may have regretted it down the road, but it would have just been another link in that chain that gets drawn out from time to time.

Now I've tasted happiness.  I'm happy being with Sir.

And I'm not willing to run.

SSO

International Orgasm Day

I've seen conflicting sources about the actual date of International Orgasm Day, but one source has it for today.

So, have you celebrated?

Apparently, one is suppose to celebrate early in the day since this source has already moved on to the 15th Annual date in 2013.  I'm sure their hastiness will not stop Sir from wanting to participate tonight!

SSO

The Parrot Who Saw Sex

Sounds like a good mystery title doesn't it?

Has anyone else seen this posted on Facebook?  All I can say is, "Thank God I don't have a bird!"

I feel slightly juvenile that this makes me giggle as much as it does.  Oh well....

Wonder Time

I had a really bad dream this week.  I woke up with a dreadful feeling that I just couldn't shake.  I put a lot of stock in dreams.  Maybe too much, but I feel they are a reflection of what's going on in my subconscious that hasn't reached my conscious understanding yet. Or something that I'm aware of and just haven't resolved yet.  This particular dream fell into the latter category.

The dream was about a personal aspect of my relationship with Sir so I won't share what the dream entailed.  I really didn't want to tell Sir about it either.  I was concerned about how he would respond.  I knew I had to tell him though.  Although, I did ask if we could wait until the evening, when we had more time, to talk about it.

I was so amazed at how understanding Sir was about the dream. Talking about it opened up an area of conversation we hadn't had before.  It is so wonderful to feel so safe with someone.  So secure.

Sir is wonderful.  Really. Truly. Wonderful.

Sir and I had a good weekend.  We were able to spend time together both days.  Which was wonderful!  Absolutely wonderful.  Saturday I got a really good spanking.  I was almost floating just from the spanking.  But, then Sir spanked other parts.  I was really floating after that. 

This morning we caught up on some tv shows in the morning.  And later in the day we had more play time.  It was wonderful.  I really do love being with Sir.  I love pleasing him.  Love that I make him happy when I serve him.

I'm on the mend.  It has been a ROUGH two and half months.  ROUGH.  Sir has been wonderful though.  So patient and understanding.   I feel so safe with him.  That is a wonderful feeling.

Wonder times....

SSO

To the Same Degree and More...

...that he hurts me, he comforts me.
...that he controls me, he frees me.
...that he pushes me, he is patient with me.
...that he wants from me, he gives to me.

SSO

New Rule

.....and not the Bill Maher kind either.

Actually, this is a First Rule.  Which says a lot.  In 15 months, Sir has never given me a rule.  He tells me things he wants me to do.  Those things aren't rules.  They are rituals.  Sir loves rituals.  He doesn't like rules.  Which says a lot that I now have a rule.

It was all innocent really.

No, seriously.  Innocent.

Well...innocent, but maybe a bit of flawed logic!

I left for work on Friday and realized my fuel was 67 miles to empty.  My round trip to work is 54.  Exactly. 54.  I thought, "No problem. I can make it no problem.  13 miles to spare."  That seemed logical to me.  I mean surely my car's computer can be trusted to do simple math, right?

Wrong.

I thought I was going to run out of gas.  It actually got to the point that read, "0 miles to E."

 Whew.  They evidently put some wiggle room in there.  More than the 13 miles I was counting on.

Well....I was telling Sir the story because I had to stop at the first gas station I came across.  That was the story to me because the gas station was overrun by racoons.  There were at least 50 of them.  Freaked me out.  No way I wanted to get out and get gas with all those racoons roaming around.  But, I had no choice.  I was passed empty.

I was laughing telling the story.

Sir wasn't that amused.  His first response was. "New Rule."

My first thought was.  Rule?  I don't have rules.  I think I kept trying to explain how logical it was that I trusted the reading on my car.  13 extra miles.  I mean that was enough to get halfway back to work again!  It seemed so logical to me.  Still does, actually. Have I ever mentioned that I have an advanced degree? Kinda feel the need to mention that when I feel so silly about something!

Nope. New Rule.  I am not allowed to let my gas tank get below 100 miles to empty.

Yes, Sir. New Rule.

SSO