On the way there.....

Sometimes I'm right there.  Right on the verge of saying something I've never said to someone in that way.

To my family, yes.
To my friends, yes.

And then my head gets tangled.

What does it mean?
Will it change us?
If so, am I afraid of whatever that change will be?

Does he?
Is it only me?
If so, what's the point of saying it?

Will Sir like it.
Will Sir not like it.

Will I be hurt?
Will it seem silly?

Do I?
Do I even know it's true?
How would I even know it's true?

Will it change me?
Will it?

What if it's not true for Sir?

What if he laughs?
What if he says something that hurts my feelings

What if he says nothing?

What if?

What if it's not true for Sir?
Does that change it for me?
So what if it's not true for Sir?

Why do I think I have to say it?

Seriously, let, why are you so fucked up about this?
Why can't you just say it?

Maybe I just need to say it.
Maybe I just need to stop all the analyzing and just say it.
Maybe none of the other stuff matters.
Maybe for my own sake, I need to just say it.
Maybe it's another wall coming down.
Maybe I just need to do it.
Maybe.

Sometimes.....

                                               I have to stop myself from saying it.


That makes me feel.....

                                                                         Sad.

What if it messes us up?

Dammit...why do I tear up when I think about it?

What if this post never gets published?
Because it will NEVER be published before I say it...

I skirt around it all the time.
...being your's, Sir.
...being with you, Sir.
...you putting me to bed, Sir.
...pleasing you, Sir.
...making you happy, Sir.
...what you do to me, Sir.

Everything but.....

Who am I fooling?

Am I deceiving myself?
Not saying it makes it not so?
Keeps me safe?

Who am I fooling?

OMG....does he already know?
OMG...does he?
Already know?

and then we watch a tv show where it's one of the scenarios.
I want to ask, "what do you think about that, Sir."
fear strikes. a line in the dialogue.
you have to break up.
no relationship can work when one does and one doesn't.

 It's just a tv show.

I do.  I do. I do.

I do.

And. Simple as that.  It's said.  It's out

And I'm there.

Love & SSO

You're Like My Dead Sea

I recently bought a Lumineer's CD.  It has this song on it.  I think it fits Sir perfectly.

Like the Dead Sea
You told me I was like the Dead Sea
You'll never sink when you are with me
Oh, Lord, like the Dead Sea

SSO

The Best Game Ever

I'm not sure, but I think I may get over my neurotic need to everything matchy matchy for these bed sheets!!!  Seriously....the best game ever!

New Bed

Ohhhh....the possibilities!!

We Meet

I'll be a little shy sharing the details, but here are some one line observations:

He is sweet.
He is wonderful.
He is caring.

We are both cuddlers.

He takes what he wants.
He wants ALOT!

His crop is much worse than a spoon.

My privates are still sore.

His privates are gorgeous.  (Can I say that?  I can say that can't I?  Anyway, it's true!)

I miss him so much it hurts.

I am ruined!  We are ruined!  We can't wait until we are together again.

SSO

Has This Ever Happened To You?

If you are a guy, I can answer that question for you with 99.99% accuracy.  Nope.  My .01% margin of error accounts for the far flung possibility that someone who happens upon my blog may have at some point been a chick and is now a dude. Far, far flung possibility.

Furthermore, if you are a chick, I would almost keep the same odds that "THIS" has never happened to you because it never happened to me....until yesterday morning.

Anyways.....that ought to give you a really huge clue that this post has something to do with something specific to the female anatomy.

And...before we go on...it might really be TMI.  Guess what?  I'm going to keep the same odds that I'm 99.99% sure this is TMI.

So, Aunt Flo has come to visit me recently.  She comes to see me once a month.  Sometimes she gives me real problems when she visits, but never anything like the problem I had yesterday morning. Night before last I put Flo to bed wrapped up and stuffed.  Just so she would be comfortable while she slept.  When the morning came and it was time to change her "clothes," I realized I had a problem.  At first I thought it might be morning stupor, but no, I couldn't undress Flo. Somehow one of her "ribbons" had gotten jammed up where it shouldn't have been.  I was tugging and tugging and couldn't get the stuffer unstuffed.  Caused me some serious alarm at first.  Not thinking clearly, my first thought was what friend was I going to call at 5:30 in the morning and come help me get unstuffed?  Then I thought, what if I have to go to the ER and have this thing unstuffed?  I was really not thinking clearly.....obviously.  But, I'll tell you unstuffing a stuffer is so much easier when you have both "ribbons" to use.   I had to pull so hard using only one "ribbon" that I cut my finger.  Not until a little bit later did I realize I could have used a more hands on approach to unstuffing the stuffer.  Did I mention my morning stupor?  Yes?  Okay. Just making sure. The whole thing was just surreal so it threw me off for a bit about what was going on.  I blame the surrealty (is too a word) for throwing off my highly evolved and logical problem solving skills.  That...and morning stupor.  Later it was funny.  I told Sir about it that morning.  He said if he had been there, he would have helped.  Pure chivalry on his part.

For those of you who really have no idea what the preceding story was about:  I got one of the strings of my tampon somehow lodged up in my va-jay-jay.  Have no idea how it happened.  Really was never mindful that there were two strings to help dis-lodge the thing.  I'm sure I knew, just never paid that much attention.  Anyway...I found out what a difference a string can make.

I wished I were a mathematician.  First, I would work on those percentages I first mentioned - find out what the real odds are.  Then, I would figure out why it required SOOOOOO much more force to pull that dang thing out with only one string.  I mean they are little bitty strings...it doesn't seem like minus one would make that much of a difference.  It did.

So, HAS this ever happened to you?

Here's to LIFE!

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."

 Although I'm not sure I agree with this ratio, I do believe the basis of this statement is truth. Some of what happens to you can be "dismantled" by your response. Problem is some of that #% of what happens to you happens before you have the tools to have a healing and healthy response. Here's to finding the tools, at whatever stage you find them, to dismantle what's happened to you so that you can live. Here's to LIFE!

 Yes, I am on a journey. Yes, Sir has been wonderfully supportive.  Yes, I will be fine.

 YES! IT HURTS LIKE HELL. 

SSO

It's True, Sir

Why is it that I hear this song for the first time on an Oreo commercial?

You Do Something To Me

You do something to me,
something that simply mystifies me.
Tell me, why should it be
you have the power to hypnotize me?
Let me live 'neath your spell,
Do do that voodoo
that you do so well.
For you do something to me
that nobody else could do!


SSO

Dream Center

I will be ordering this bed very soon.  Something about it reminds me of ropes.  How appropriate.

The Exchange

He tells me what he wants.


In affirmation, I bow my head.
My hand moves to rest upon his chest.


Our hearts beat in the exchange.


I have become possession.

SSO

Changling

Sometimes I wonder what happens when I'm with him.  We can be talking.  Normal stuff.  About our days.  What happened.  What's going on.  Frustrations.  Or laughing.  Silly stuff.  Irony.

And then...

He's ready.

He says, "Are you ready, my good girl?"

And something switches.

Everything about me feels different. It's like the body snatchers have arrived and I'm replaced.  I'm almost watching from outside myself.  That question, in itself, can get me to that "subby" place.

My voice changes.  I can hear it. I can feel it.  I sound little.  Like a child.

Sometimes I wonder if that is part of the dynamic for me.  Being a "little." We've never purposely pursued that.  Sometimes it's how I feel, though.  Sometimes it's the place I just naturally go.

But, not always.

Sometimes I feel wanton.  Insatiable.  That's what I call him, actually. Insatiable.

He is.

Sometimes I feel soft.

Always I feel pliable.

And always I feel.  That's the thing about him

He makes me feel


SSO

Yes Sir.

Enough said.

SSO

We Manage

In our LDR.  We manage. 

To talk to each every morning and every evening.  Well...there are a handful of times when that doesn't work out.  Like when Sir is visiting family on an overnight visit.  Or when I do the same.

But 99.99999999% of the time we manage to talk every morning and evening. 

And text throughout the day.

Some days I don't get reception at work.  That's frustrating.

And I miss him so much during those days.

Some times so much so that I feel like I could cry.

But I don't let myself cry.  Because that is just a silly girl thing to do.

Cry.

Sometimes I just wished I could let myself do a silly girl thing.

And cry.


SSO

I'm a Little Effed Up, But That's Okay

I have a lot of rambling conflict going on in my head right now.

I can suppress and avoid my issues like nobody's business.  I'm the Queen.  And I'm usually okay with not dealing.

Until I'm faced with something that triggers a memory

And then it's like all those individual suppressions down inside, wherever it is they are suppressed inside of me, have formed a chain of link and they start coming out one by one.

I had two triggers last week.  It's amazing how the most innocuous event can trigger a memory that sends me reeling.  That sick feeling of a train de-railing inside me.

Leaves me asking the same unresolved questions.

Why?
Why?
Why?

And I feel like some part of me dies every time I let an episode pass without resolving it.  But, in the passing of time I forget how much of me I've lost.  How much has died.

And I wonder how many more times this can happen? How much more of me can die?

I finally told Sir this weekend.  And not of my own initiative, really.  He asked specifically if anything was bothering me.  How did he know to do that?

Anyway. He said I wish you had told me sooner.

I hate feeling like I've disappointed him.

So, this morning I told him I was still feeling sad.  And admitted more as well.  That this is the point at which I usually want to run.  That I feel just too numb to fight it. That I just disappear without notice to anyone.

I don't know what I expected Sir's reaction to be to that admission.

Whatever it was, it wasn't the reaction that I actually got.  The news made Sir....

Happy?

Huh?

He was happy that I trusted him enough to tell him.

And he's right.  And I haven't cared enough or trusted enough in the past to confide that to anyone.  Before I would have just disappeared.  I may have regretted it down the road, but it would have just been another link in that chain that gets drawn out from time to time.

Now I've tasted happiness.  I'm happy being with Sir.

And I'm not willing to run.

SSO

International Orgasm Day

I've seen conflicting sources about the actual date of International Orgasm Day, but one source has it for today.

So, have you celebrated?

Apparently, one is suppose to celebrate early in the day since this source has already moved on to the 15th Annual date in 2013.  I'm sure their hastiness will not stop Sir from wanting to participate tonight!

SSO

The Parrot Who Saw Sex

Sounds like a good mystery title doesn't it?

Has anyone else seen this posted on Facebook?  All I can say is, "Thank God I don't have a bird!"

I feel slightly juvenile that this makes me giggle as much as it does.  Oh well....

Wonder Time

I had a really bad dream this week.  I woke up with a dreadful feeling that I just couldn't shake.  I put a lot of stock in dreams.  Maybe too much, but I feel they are a reflection of what's going on in my subconscious that hasn't reached my conscious understanding yet. Or something that I'm aware of and just haven't resolved yet.  This particular dream fell into the latter category.

The dream was about a personal aspect of my relationship with Sir so I won't share what the dream entailed.  I really didn't want to tell Sir about it either.  I was concerned about how he would respond.  I knew I had to tell him though.  Although, I did ask if we could wait until the evening, when we had more time, to talk about it.

I was so amazed at how understanding Sir was about the dream. Talking about it opened up an area of conversation we hadn't had before.  It is so wonderful to feel so safe with someone.  So secure.

Sir is wonderful.  Really. Truly. Wonderful.

Sir and I had a good weekend.  We were able to spend time together both days.  Which was wonderful!  Absolutely wonderful.  Saturday I got a really good spanking.  I was almost floating just from the spanking.  But, then Sir spanked other parts.  I was really floating after that. 

This morning we caught up on some tv shows in the morning.  And later in the day we had more play time.  It was wonderful.  I really do love being with Sir.  I love pleasing him.  Love that I make him happy when I serve him.

I'm on the mend.  It has been a ROUGH two and half months.  ROUGH.  Sir has been wonderful though.  So patient and understanding.   I feel so safe with him.  That is a wonderful feeling.

Wonder times....

SSO

To the Same Degree and More...

...that he hurts me, he comforts me.
...that he controls me, he frees me.
...that he pushes me, he is patient with me.
...that he wants from me, he gives to me.

SSO

New Rule

.....and not the Bill Maher kind either.

Actually, this is a First Rule.  Which says a lot.  In 15 months, Sir has never given me a rule.  He tells me things he wants me to do.  Those things aren't rules.  They are rituals.  Sir loves rituals.  He doesn't like rules.  Which says a lot that I now have a rule.

It was all innocent really.

No, seriously.  Innocent.

Well...innocent, but maybe a bit of flawed logic!

I left for work on Friday and realized my fuel was 67 miles to empty.  My round trip to work is 54.  Exactly. 54.  I thought, "No problem. I can make it no problem.  13 miles to spare."  That seemed logical to me.  I mean surely my car's computer can be trusted to do simple math, right?

Wrong.

I thought I was going to run out of gas.  It actually got to the point that read, "0 miles to E."

 Whew.  They evidently put some wiggle room in there.  More than the 13 miles I was counting on.

Well....I was telling Sir the story because I had to stop at the first gas station I came across.  That was the story to me because the gas station was overrun by racoons.  There were at least 50 of them.  Freaked me out.  No way I wanted to get out and get gas with all those racoons roaming around.  But, I had no choice.  I was passed empty.

I was laughing telling the story.

Sir wasn't that amused.  His first response was. "New Rule."

My first thought was.  Rule?  I don't have rules.  I think I kept trying to explain how logical it was that I trusted the reading on my car.  13 extra miles.  I mean that was enough to get halfway back to work again!  It seemed so logical to me.  Still does, actually. Have I ever mentioned that I have an advanced degree? Kinda feel the need to mention that when I feel so silly about something!

Nope. New Rule.  I am not allowed to let my gas tank get below 100 miles to empty.

Yes, Sir. New Rule.

SSO

Nostalgia

Nostalgia....it's a thing of the past.

I didn't make that up, just so you know.  I did have that as a poster on my bedroom wall when I was in hmmmm let's sayyy about 5th grade.  Strange sense of humor for a 5th grader.

Anyway.

I snapped this picture at work the other day.  It gave me a sense of nostalgia. At my previous job, Sir would send me to the bathroom.  He controlled my pee times.  He let me go several times a day, but I didn't go without him sending me.  When he would send me, he would tell me, "Pull down your pants for me." Sigh. We no longer do that because I don't have a great phone connection at my new job.  Double Sigh.

Sir and I played both days this weekend!!! Yay for improvement. I've gone to a different doctor and he's pursuing a different course of treatment.  I see an improvement this week.  No telling what this coming weekend will hold for us.

SSO


 

What's the Word I'm Looking For?

Sometimes I wish I had an encyclopedic memory for useful words.  That would come in very handy when I try to explain my emotions.  I'm not great when it comes to explaining how I feel.  I'm not even great at knowing how I feel.

After my rituals at night, I email Sir to tell him I've completed them.  I'm also suppose to tell him how I feel.  I do tell him, but I never feel I've captured my mood or feelings very well.

Especially about kneeling time....

I love kneeling time.  I think I usually tell Sir that kneeling time helps me focus.  Or makes me feel settled.  It goes  far beyond that, though.  And I've not found the words to really describe it.  I thought I was doing well with "settled," but it falls short too.  That in some way sounds passive, but I think kneeling time is active.  Or, proactive...  I actively settle myself into thoughts about Sir.  I can feel it mentally, or emotionally.  Almost physically.

Still, I haven't found the perfect way to describe.

And the Prognosis Is....

I"ll live.

It's been a rough few weeks. Several weeks.  Almost a month.

Family problems first.  A family member passed away.  Sad in itself.  With my family, though, any "family" happening just brings an extra load of stress for me.  Endless questions about why things are so messed up...  Sir says that I want the family in the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving painting.  He's probably right.  Truth is I'd settle for any sort of normality.

And in the midst of that another family issue.  It's been ongoing.  Stressful.

Whenever I have to deal with my family, I honestly feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone.  Total Bizarro Land.  Usually leaves me just reeling.  Spiraling.  Down.

And then I got sick.  Bronchitis first.  Then a sinus infection. I thought I had gotten over it, but then it came back.  After 3 weeks and two rounds of anti-biotics, I'm finally feeling better.

Sir has been wonderful.  He's promised we will make up for last time though.  LOL.  My next spanking my bottom is likely to be red instead of very, very pink.  We played some this past week.  A little more this weekend.  He's wonderful.  He's a dream really.  He keeps me so grounded.

So...I'm feeling better.  I'll live.  There was never any real question that I wouldn't, but it is good to be on the mend.

SSO

Happy Birthday, Sir!

I loved being with you on my birthday, Sir.  I loved the birthday spanking.

I look forward to your birthday spanking I will get tonight.




 Happy Birthday, Sir!

SSO