I'm Leaving On a Jet Plane

Remember that song?  When I was younger, much younger, (God, I can't believe I'm saying things like that) it seems like that song was the one playing when my morning alarm would sound.  I remember it produced in me feelings of hollowness and loneliness.  Crazy how I react to music.  Something about musical lyrics and I just seem to go someplace else.  Good or bad.

Speaking of going someplace else.  I really am leaving on a jet plane. I'll be in San Diego (aka Heaven) for a week.  I'll just have to suffer through it!  Hehehe. It would only take the slightest nudge for me to not ever leave the place.  That's how much I love San Diego. I have a arm's length list of things I want to do while there:  Wild Animal Park, Balboa Park, Coronado Island (mainly for the bridge, I love that bridge), the Harbor, Gas Lamp District, margaritas at this yummy Mexican food place in the Old Town, etc, etc, etc.

Maybe I'll blog pictures.  That way I won't be remiss in reporting again.  And maybe I'll have other stuff to report. We'll see.

Remiss at Reporting my Whereabouts

I know that is not even close to a correct alliteration. And I respectfully request your reprieve for both the rotten literary effort and for being remiss at reporting.

Various and sundry things have kept me occupied this week.  I want to report on them, but not sure what to say yet.  So, regretfully, I will have to leave you in suspense.  I know, I know. Everyone is dying to hear about what is happening in my life, right?

*Sigh*

One strange thing happened this week.  EdenFantasys contacted me about their review in exchange for a toy opportunity.  Really?  I have all of 10 followers.  But, hey.  Who am I to turn down free toys.  I want some of those nipple clamps LittleMonkey just tried.  Oh yes! Actually, at first I was really excited. Now I have performance anxiety and I'm a little hesitant to accept the offer.  My writing tends to be so reflective and intense.  And if it doesn't conform to the former quality, then it tends to be technical - cut and dry.  Not the exactly stuff that makes for titillating reviews of toys.  We'll see.

Peace and love,
poured out

Music Monday

Enigma:  Mea Culpa

Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
O Sacrum Convivium
recolitur passionis eius
Je ne dors plus (Je ne dors plus)
Je te desire (Je te desire)
Je veux aller au bout de mes fantasmes
Je sais que c'est interdit
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea culpa (Mea culpa)
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)
O Sacrum Convivium
recolitur passionis eius
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa Prends moi
Je suis a toi Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)
Prends moi
Je suis a toi
Mea Culpa
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Prends moi (Prends moi)
Je suis a toi (Je suis a toi)
Mea Culpa (Mea culpa)

Translation
Turn of the light,
take a deep breath and relax
O Sacret Banquet
His passion is renewed
I can't sleep anymore
I desire you
I want to go to the end of my fantasies
I know it's forbidden
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
O Sacred Banquet
His passion is renewed
Take me
I'm yours
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
I'm yours, I'm guilty
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty
Turn off the light,
take a deep breath and relax
Take me
I'm yours
I'm guilty


"ENIGMA - MEA CULPA LYRICS." Lyrics. Web. 24 Apr. 2011. <http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/mea-culpa-lyrics-enigma/73f8d4e93d917f694825687700209f4d>.

Relationships

I have very few people I call my friends.  It has nothing to do with how likeable I am.  Really, it is has nothing to do with my likability.  It is just my temperament or my personality type.  In the Myers-Briggs temperament typology I am a classic INFJ.  Yep, that is probably the introvert of the introverts. Part and parcel of that temperament is a tendency to have very few, but long time friends.  That's me.  It takes me awhile, but once I call a person my friend, it is sealed.  It is for a lifetime.  My feelings run deep when it comes to my friends.

I have had some friends in crisis this week.  A family member is extremely ill.  The family has been called in twice, not thinking the person would make it through the day or night.  The height of the crisis came this past Monday night when it looked certain the person was not going to make it.  I received a phone call late in the night from my friends saying they needed to get to the hospital immediately.  Could I come over and stay with the boys?  Without hesitation, I said yes.  We all remained in heightened mode until Wednesday when, thankfully, the family member seemed to stabilize some.  I was grateful to be able to help.

What makes me even more thankful is that this is a relationship that has been mended.  A couple of years ago there were some painful things that happened in my circle of friends and we all went away damaged, limping and bruised. This couple in particular were singled out in the drama and treated rather unjustly.  I really thought this particular relationship was one that would never be restored.  The hurts were just too deep. The misunderstandings just kept piling up and not going away.  It was a friendship that I truly mourned the loss.  But, the last year has gradually brought reconciliation and a return of trust and intimacy.   It required facing some really ugly realities, mountains of hurt, being honest about them and then the process of getting past them and letting it go.

The importance of the restoration of the friendship has struck me this week.  There are certain relationships that I have quite purposefully avoided.  I have never married primarily because I've never felt I had the ability to make that type of relationship work.  I have always thought it would get to be too much and I would want to bolt, or that I didn't have the emotional stamina to sustain it.  It has been a self-protection mechanism really.  And now that I really think about it a  really poor one at that.  Quite frankly it has dawned on me, "What the hell have I been thinking?"  I really don't have an answer, but I've realized that my emotional make-up is really the opposite.  I fight and I fight hard for what I love.  I will, and have, gone to incredible lengths to keep those who are important to me in my life.  I have the ability to weather incredible adversity and still survive.

What does this have to do with this lifestyle?  Not sure.  I only know I am doing ALOT of soul searching about who I am, what I want and where I am going to go with it.  It's amazing to look at myself and think I have alot to give and I really, really want to give it.

Stress Relief

OMG.  Nothing like an hour on the treadmill to get rid of the stress....

Well hell, others probably have better outlets than me right now. But, it worked.

Now I'm off to totally screw the benefit of it and have some margaritas!

And the Bookworm Has Arrived

Yay!  My books came in today.  I am super excited about delving into them.  Nom nom nom (that's the bookworm eating up the books).  Have I mentioned I'm a word slut.  Strings of words affect me even more!  I can't even begin to say the effect that well formed prose has upon me.  Yum.

Oops!  I digress.   Back to the bookworm....

Four books came in the mail today:

• The Loving Dominant, John and Libby Warren
• Different Loving, Gloria and William Brame
• Erotic Surrender, Claudia Varrin
• Conquer Me, Kacie Cunnigham

And I have more in mind to purchase.  I'll practice some self control, however, and at least wait until these are read.

Praxis

praxis

\ PRAK-sis \  noun;

1. Practice, as distinguished from theory; application or use, as of knowledge or skills.

2. Convention, habit, or custom.

3. A set of examples for practice.

I am a total word nerd.  I have several "word of the day" type subscriptions that are delivered to my email.  I love words. I am, admittedly, a word slut.

The relevancy to my present situation of today's word, praxis, just cannot be overlooked.  I find myself on the precipice of an experience I honestly never thought or dreamed or, truth be told, fantasized myself facing.  Facing the choice to remain in the realm of theory or to walk across whatever threshold exists and enter into the real world, what will I do?

How many can remember your first leap?  The first confession of your need?  Your first taking, or your first submitting?  How you stood on that precipice and took the chance, accepted the risk, and broke the barrier between your musings of what it could be into the realization?

This is the place in which I stand.  As I stand here I feel my palms sweat, my heart race and my skin tingle as I imagine closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and walking off the edge of theory into the unknown.
 

Pulling Out the Weeds

I am an incredibly visual person.  I am also a fairly exact person.  It's these characteristics that I believe have lead me to struggle with a statement I read today.  Given, the entirety of the document I read didn't compel the reaction, or even the supposition, I had to this one statement, still I struggled with it.  This statement proposed submission was analogous to presenting to one's Master/Dom an empty chalice or a blank canvas. While I understand each person's perspective is valid, and I am probably being hyper-critical in my evaluation of this statement, I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. My main issue with the analogy being that if one is empty or blank, what does one have to submit?

I see submission differently.  Or, at least, I have a totally different feeling about submission than what the above imagery evoked in me. I see submission as something strong, and full and powerful and the emptying or offering of that to someone else. Pouring out yourself for someone else.  And, of course, I'm not saying this person doesn't have the view that submission is strong and full and powerful.  Actually, the imagery the person used to describe their view of submission was really quite beautiful.  I just couldn't get past the initial image that I saw when I read empty chalice, blank canvas.

I have somewhat sorted this out while writing about it.  It's not about any one person's specific view or opinion of what is or is not submission.  How many times have I been reminded or encouraged that the dynamic is what you want to make of it?  What fits you?  Multi-faceted and multi-dimensional.

The real issue for me today was that I allowed one statement (out of a beautifully written piece on submission) to rock my world a bit because how I interpreted it didn't align with how I see the thing.  I suppose I am still struggling as to whether this is real in me and one seemingly contradictory statement from a person experienced in her journey was enough to throw me off kilter. Wow. However many things I have read that affirmed, "Yes, that is how I feel," or, "Yes, that is me," I still let one statement (taken out of its context) throw that seed of doubt that took root for a bit today.

Whew! I feel better about getting rid of that one. So, I've changed the title of this post from What is Submission? to what it is now.  Because that is really what happened isn't it?

And...if I sounded critical of the other person's view, that was so not my intention.  Just trying to sort things out.

(¯`·._.·(¯`·._.·(¯`·._.· What do you think? ·._.·´¯)·._.·´¯)·._.·´¯)

Undisclosed Desires

This song so encapsulates how I feel right now.  Every time I hear it, the longing is just pulled out of me.

Muse - Undisclosed Desires

I know you suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

The Dark Side of Knowledge

                                                   
 



As our circle of knowledge expands,

so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.

  Albert Einstein   

 
I am in the beginning stages of finding out just what level and what facets of this lifestyle I want.  What fits me.  Through all the reading and research and browsing and lurking, I have found some things that definitely "speak to me."  Sometimes the reactions to these things I feel this affinity toward is so strong it is shocking.   As I gain this knowledge about myself, my wants, my desires, I am finding there is much more left unknown.  Each new awareness seems to bring with it a plethora of unanswered questions. Insight not yet attainable.  These unanswered questions comprise the gamut of past, present and future.

How could I have not known this before?

What am I going to do about this?

Where will this lead me?

I know where the answers to these unanswered questions lie.  They lie in the dark circumference.  It won't be until I push further and expand this present circle that I'll have more answers.