Friday, April 22, 2011


I have very few people I call my friends.  It has nothing to do with how likeable I am.  Really, it is has nothing to do with my likability.  It is just my temperament or my personality type.  In the Myers-Briggs temperament typology I am a classic INFJ.  Yep, that is probably the introvert of the introverts. Part and parcel of that temperament is a tendency to have very few, but long time friends.  That's me.  It takes me awhile, but once I call a person my friend, it is sealed.  It is for a lifetime.  My feelings run deep when it comes to my friends.

I have had some friends in crisis this week.  A family member is extremely ill.  The family has been called in twice, not thinking the person would make it through the day or night.  The height of the crisis came this past Monday night when it looked certain the person was not going to make it.  I received a phone call late in the night from my friends saying they needed to get to the hospital immediately.  Could I come over and stay with the boys?  Without hesitation, I said yes.  We all remained in heightened mode until Wednesday when, thankfully, the family member seemed to stabilize some.  I was grateful to be able to help.

What makes me even more thankful is that this is a relationship that has been mended.  A couple of years ago there were some painful things that happened in my circle of friends and we all went away damaged, limping and bruised. This couple in particular were singled out in the drama and treated rather unjustly.  I really thought this particular relationship was one that would never be restored.  The hurts were just too deep. The misunderstandings just kept piling up and not going away.  It was a friendship that I truly mourned the loss.  But, the last year has gradually brought reconciliation and a return of trust and intimacy.   It required facing some really ugly realities, mountains of hurt, being honest about them and then the process of getting past them and letting it go.

The importance of the restoration of the friendship has struck me this week.  There are certain relationships that I have quite purposefully avoided.  I have never married primarily because I've never felt I had the ability to make that type of relationship work.  I have always thought it would get to be too much and I would want to bolt, or that I didn't have the emotional stamina to sustain it.  It has been a self-protection mechanism really.  And now that I really think about it a  really poor one at that.  Quite frankly it has dawned on me, "What the hell have I been thinking?"  I really don't have an answer, but I've realized that my emotional make-up is really the opposite.  I fight and I fight hard for what I love.  I will, and have, gone to incredible lengths to keep those who are important to me in my life.  I have the ability to weather incredible adversity and still survive.

What does this have to do with this lifestyle?  Not sure.  I only know I am doing ALOT of soul searching about who I am, what I want and where I am going to go with it.  It's amazing to look at myself and think I have alot to give and I really, really want to give it.


  1. Poured out: You really bared your soul in that post about being an introvent who has few friends but long term ones. And it is good that you mended some fences with some friends.

    It's also a positive that you realize you fight hard for what you love and it will be good if that carries over in your quest to find out what works for you in this lifestyle. It's great that you have looked at yourself and think you have a lot to give and really, really want to give it. I think once you stick your toe in the water, you will find that the lifestyle is very rewarding and fulfilling for you.

    Good luck on your quest to find what you are looking for. It should be a very exciting journey for you.


  2. I'm an ENFP, but just barely an E. And that has changed over the years,I used to be solidly in the I camp.

    What struck me about your post was this..."it would get to be too much and I would want to bolt"

    This I know about. I've been married for 29 years. It does become too much, and I have wanted to bolt a thousand times. But the rewards of sticking it out are more than worth the painfull times. When you find someone to give all of you to, don't be afraid of it. Love isn't the feeling you get at the beginning, love is all the actions you put into it as you go on.

  3. FD,

    I did bare my soul didn't I? That's unusual for me. In fact, I published the post and went straight to the salon. The entire time I was there, I wanted to get to my phone and delete the silly thing. I was thinking the whole time TMI, TMI.

    I do think that my INFJ profile has a profound effect on my desire to submit. INFJ are inherent givers and, for me, is a defining attribute.

  4. monkey,

    So, I just looked up the ENFP profile and it says most have a natural propensity for role-playing. Hmmmm...that's interesting. And why do I interpret almost everything these days through a BDSM lens?

    I get what you are saying about wanting to bolt is going to be a given in a relationship. I've seen enough to know relationships, even the best ones, are just pure hell sometimes to make work. At least that's my take. I guess my problem hasn't been that I think that point of wanting to bolt in unavoidable, but the extreme disappointment I would feel in myself for getting there. If that makes sense? May not, but it my little twisted head it does.

  5. monkey,

    Oh, and freakin' kudos on a 29 year marriage!!!

  6. I am an INFJ as well. It is weird to live in my head. I like accidentally discovering someone else who has the same tendencies as I. Sometimes I get tired of being so meaning-filled. ~shrug~ But what can you do? We are who we are. Give because it is what your soul requires.....this resonates loudly in me today. (nice to "meet" you, btw...)

  7. Princess Smartypants,

    I apologize for the delay in responding to your comment. The usual excuses, life is hectic. Yada, yada, yada.

    You are correct. It is weird and, may I add, sometimes quite difficult, living in an INFJ head!

    The day I received your comment by email, I actually took a glimpse at your blog. OMG. The one on top that day was C.S. Lewis Once Said. I love C.S. Lewis and have probably read Till We Have Faces as many times as you. It is may favorite C.S. Lewis book. Have you read The Narnian: The Life and Imagination of C.S. Lewis? It is a great read and has some information of his interaction with Tolkien. Fascinating stuff about a fascinating life.

    The thing I found interesting about that particular post I read was that you used the sentence, "I will keep pouring out me." Yes. I have said something similar for years. I am only now beginning to realize the scope of what it means. It has always meant this submission. Yes, "Give because it is what your soul requires," resonates with me as well.

    Thank you for dropping by and for your comments. It is nice to "meet" you as well.

    poured out.